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She sits on her throne
Afraid of her power
Eyes of pansies, lips of berries
Her heart, like a crescent moon yearning to be full…
A spirit like the sun burning, setting us on fire
She had a youthful wildness yet a soul as ancient as the gods
and as mysterious as existence
Her walls once guarded by forbidden ivy
She can’t remember why
Hailing all to her kingdom
She frees her moon heart to earth,
Claims back her oceans and skies
Now not afraid of her power
For the first time she opens the gates..
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(11-29-2012, 10:37 AM)Black Jade Wrote: She sits on her throne
Afraid of her power
Eyes of pansies, lips of berries
Her heart, like a crescent moon yearning to be full… is like needed?
A spirit like the sun burning, setting us on fire
She had a youthful wildness yet a soul as ancient as the gods [a comma would do the same thing as yet]
and as mysterious as existence
Her walls once guarded by forbidden ivy
She can’t remember why
Hailing all to her kingdom
She frees her moon heart to earth,
Claims back her oceans and skies
Now not afraid of her power
For the first time she opens the gates..
i like this a lot though i think it needs fleshing out. it has a feel of darkness to it, an escape of sorts back to the real world. you could make it sparkle if you cut away any little words that don't do anything but extend a line.
thanks for the read.
Posts: 8
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Brilliant! Thank you, thank you!
Black Jade x
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11-29-2012, 09:43 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-29-2012, 09:45 PM by Todd.)
Hi Black Jade, a couple comments for you:
I like that you've allowed your imagery to speak more in this piece. I think what you may want to look at now are the lines that tell us things to keep the narrative flowing but are mostly just reporting details without really enhancing the poem...again it's back to that old writing idea of show don't tell. Here's the lines I have in mind:
(11-29-2012, 10:37 AM)Black Jade Wrote: She sits on her throne
Afraid of her power
Eyes of pansies, lips of berries
--is there a way you can show her sitting on her throne that demonstrates that she is afraid? (Example: If I wanted to use an image to suggest anger I might write:
She sat on her throne
like an angry cat
back arched, and hair bristling
Then I might ask is there a better word for sat that backs up the cat image..tensed maybe. If she was being more playful and I was using a cat I might say lounged. Just thoughts to consider.
Back to your poem: I like the pansies for eyes that suggests beauty and fragility. The berry lips give me a color for the lips, also beauty...but not an emotion. If she's afraid of her power how can every element in that first strophe (section if you will) demonstrate that fear? Waste nothing).
Her heart, like a crescent moon yearning to be full…
A spirit like the sun burning, setting us on fire
She had a youthful wildness yet a soul as ancient as the gods
and as mysterious as existence
Her walls once guarded by forbidden ivy
She can’t remember why--again draw lines like this into the imagery.
Hailing all to her kingdom
She frees her moon heart to earth,
Claims back her oceans and skies
Now not afraid of her power
For the first time she opens the gates..
I'd write more, but I've put a lot into the mild forum. I hope this is helpful. I think you've got something you could develop well.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
