11-30-2012, 08:40 AM
hi haddan, one of my problems is this, if you can't change it (because of the vid) what's the point in us giving our time on such a large piece? for future reference, you can posts videoed stuff in the miscellaneous forum.
i agree a lot with todd's feedback but my main nit is this, on paper it's more story-like than poem-like. the vocalisation you do of it is good but as a standalone piece it feels very prose. while it does have some poetic devices they don't stand out enough in text. the passion feels as though it should be obvious but it isn't. the last half dozen lines feel stilted and the last line forced. there are some good lines in in the thing but they feel buried to deep to shine, or pull us into the page.
thanks for the read.
i agree a lot with todd's feedback but my main nit is this, on paper it's more story-like than poem-like. the vocalisation you do of it is good but as a standalone piece it feels very prose. while it does have some poetic devices they don't stand out enough in text. the passion feels as though it should be obvious but it isn't. the last half dozen lines feel stilted and the last line forced. there are some good lines in in the thing but they feel buried to deep to shine, or pull us into the page.
thanks for the read.