Love of My Life

[Arriedo]

It seems that soon I'll be shopping for my coffin
with the "love of my life" watching
offering advice and side comments
"this satin is too colorful" and "the wood grain is beautiful"
"this is too nice for you"
now isn't he helpful...
but I love him, really, he's very passionate
I feel the love with every smack and hit
the romance is shown with every split lip
yellow and blue bruises are the hearts above the dotted I's
of the letter that follows with a pair of beautiful blackened eyes
the cheating and the lies
he's just an angel is disguise
like the weekend get aways that we never take

wait.....


did I make a mistake?
Why am I shopping for my death
this isn't the way it should be if the "I Love You" is on his breath
Why am I shopping for my death?
It's time for me to get away
The start of a different day
I am no longer shopping for my death
I deserve more out of relationships than parlor tricks
False truths and Lonely nights
Every one good thing overlooked by two fights
The "love of my life" is now me loving my life
I love to love the feeling of love without the joy of hate
I now know this is one mistake I will never make again
Pretty soon I will be picking out the right love and never looking at the caskets

It's rough i know but looking for help to get better thank you

[arbil_poieo]

Seems like a spoken word poetry. You have a few strong lines:
" I feel the love with every smack and hit"
"The romance is shown with every split lip"
That's just a couple that really gave me goosebumps. I like that it's broken up into two parts almost like you can see her going through a transformation. I also enjoyed how you tied it all up around a coffin from start to finish, it really works with it.

Some of the lines are cliche: "hearts above the dotted I's" while the message is powerful it's not shining through in that way.
"The start of a different day" same thing

The last line is really a good ending for this I think because it's almost like a hallelujah moment for her.
All in all it's really a raw, emotional piece that people can relate to and maybe learn something from and you presented it well with your metaphor and images.

[arbil_poieo]

This may be over-stepping but I would recommend moving this to mild or serious. It is really well written but it needs a little work. Moving it to another thread will give it the attention it needs and will be most helpful.

[billy]

It seems that soon I'll be shopping for my coffin it seems thatisn't needed
with the "love of my life" watching
offering advice and side comments
"this satin is too colorful" and "the wood grain is beautiful" put the quoted parts in their own lines so they pop
"this is too nice for you" i like the inference of this line. that somehow she's not really nice in some way.
now isn't he helpful... is this line needed?
but I love him, really, he's very passionate
I feel the love with every smack and hit would of work better than with a suggestion also to change one of the words to snipe or rant or something else as both the words you have mean the same thing.
the romance is shown with every split lip
yellow and blue bruises are the hearts above the dotted I's too wordy
of the letter that follows with a pair of beautiful blackened eyes
the cheating and the lies
he's just an angel is disguise how about he's just an angel and leave it to us to see the meaning
like the weekend get aways that we never take

wait..... doesn't work too well for me.


did I make a mistake? this line is just packing, is it needed.
Why am I shopping for my death
this isn't the way it should be if the "I Love You" is on his breath
Why am I shopping for my death?
It's time for me to get away
The start of a different day
I am no longer shopping for my death
I deserve more out of relationships than parlor tricks
False truths and Lonely nights
Every one good thing overlooked by two fights
The "love of my life" is now me loving my life
I love to love the feeling of love without the joy of hate
I now know this is one mistake I will never make again
Pretty soon I will be picking out the right love and never looking at the caskets

It's rough i know but looking for help to get better thank you

much of the last stanza feels lacks depth and takes all the good parts in the 1st stanza and weakens them
the wordiness is another thing that hides the good parts. an example and suggestion:

yellow and blue bruises are the hearts above the dotted I's
of the letter that follows with a pair of beautiful blackened eyes

yellow and blue bruises, the hearts above dotted I's
of the letter that follows with a pair of beautiful blackened eyes

thanks for the read.

[Arriedo]

thank you for the help i do appreciate it.