11-29-2012, 09:09 PM
Hi haddan, Welcome to the site!
You have enough charisma on the video to pull this off. As a spoken piece it's pretty long but your delivery and the work put in on the video was enough to hold my attention throughout. Since you've created that video (and clearly it took a lot of work) I'm not sure why you've posted in serious critique. It would seem revising this piece would cause you to do a lot of reshooting. Here's the thing as a written piece, I don't think this will hold the reader's attention. There are areas where it doesn't really work as well if it's just being read. We could go over those if you like, but I'm not sure if that's worth your time given that as a visual and spoken piece it's pretty good.
Best,
Todd
You have enough charisma on the video to pull this off. As a spoken piece it's pretty long but your delivery and the work put in on the video was enough to hold my attention throughout. Since you've created that video (and clearly it took a lot of work) I'm not sure why you've posted in serious critique. It would seem revising this piece would cause you to do a lot of reshooting. Here's the thing as a written piece, I don't think this will hold the reader's attention. There are areas where it doesn't really work as well if it's just being read. We could go over those if you like, but I'm not sure if that's worth your time given that as a visual and spoken piece it's pretty good.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson