11-28-2012, 02:49 AM
unfortunatley am not good enough to give this a 'serious' critique..soz
i did like the first 2 stanzas, they flow well an drew me in..loved the line "Moses couldn't part this"
4th stanza 2nd line "If you'll be my vessel, I'll find you find a coast where we can rest" might be me being thick..but it don't read right to me ..the "I'll find you find a coast..." bit
an the last line of the same stanza "And if you can hear my heart beat then I promise it will always beat." to use the word 'beat' twice in the same line didn't work for me that well
overall am not sure its all that 'hardcore' i like the soft sentiment it has..but is a little confusing how you offer to help this girl when you cant help youself ? surley in a way your both each others saviour and purpose
sorry i cant say more but i do like where its generally going is deffo an intresting read
i did like the first 2 stanzas, they flow well an drew me in..loved the line "Moses couldn't part this"
4th stanza 2nd line "If you'll be my vessel, I'll find you find a coast where we can rest" might be me being thick..but it don't read right to me ..the "I'll find you find a coast..." bit
an the last line of the same stanza "And if you can hear my heart beat then I promise it will always beat." to use the word 'beat' twice in the same line didn't work for me that well
overall am not sure its all that 'hardcore' i like the soft sentiment it has..but is a little confusing how you offer to help this girl when you cant help youself ? surley in a way your both each others saviour and purpose
sorry i cant say more but i do like where its generally going is deffo an intresting read