11-23-2012, 05:26 PM
Hi TOMH
I'm not sure my thoughts are very technical but I will offer what came accross for me.
I felt that the use of alliteration that you kept up in most lines was pleasant and made the poem sing for me. I felt that it nicely softened the edges of the read so that the whole had a sort of hazed out or blurred edges to it...just like the recollection of a day at the seaside. This then and the use of snapshot style stanza subjects, again bringing to mind the element of people watching that is part of the holiday experiance.
So overall this poem worked well for me.
Windbreak weathered by salt and sun,
beaten by a pounding rock. This first picture did feel a little weak as an opener, but then on the second
read it felt ok after I had got into the subject. (Also If this is a picture log
of a day at the sea then perhaps that first magical view over the sand
dunes or the walk down the cliff to the beach would be a stronger memory)
Also I keep thinking is this a domestic windbreak or a beach head one?
Sand shaped by shell and tide,
re-worked by a tiny foot. Loved the drawing in to the microscopic. Always do this when i first sit on
the sand...get drawn into contemplation of the sand and shell fragments.
What rock they were hewn from, what tiny foot.... felt this line was so
good nearly didn't get any further on first read!
Creatures caught by line and net,
beached by a sloshing hand. Not sure if this worked for me. would like something a little stronger to do
the image justice...? captive creatures in the net (no still not right!)
Bodies boarded by wetsuit and wave,
frozen by a juddering jaw.
Seagulls shunned by flip-flop and book,
crazed by a Cornish crust. Fun and spot on.
Dizzy from dingy inflation.
Burnt from bare excavation.
Trekked from sand to castle.
Tumbled from surf to towel.
Raced from rock to pool. This really seamed to pull everything together and make all the other
snap shots come into sharper focus....lovely.
Sun set supported by fish and chips,
greasy fingers and salty lips.
Empty beach with snuggly fleece,
children yawn, storied to sleep.
Mum and dad take some time,
watch the waves with bottle of wine.
Cooling sand shows remnants of fun,
windbreak flaps at the last of the sun. Again...yummy memories well summed up.
Hope the personal approach to appraisal is perhaps in some way complimentary to the other critiques
Oh shit comp user failure....again!...I can't do bloodly computors....give me a crayon any day...how do I get it to stay in the indents that I wrote it in???
..need to go find tecno son to tell me how to sort it out
I'm not sure my thoughts are very technical but I will offer what came accross for me.
I felt that the use of alliteration that you kept up in most lines was pleasant and made the poem sing for me. I felt that it nicely softened the edges of the read so that the whole had a sort of hazed out or blurred edges to it...just like the recollection of a day at the seaside. This then and the use of snapshot style stanza subjects, again bringing to mind the element of people watching that is part of the holiday experiance.
So overall this poem worked well for me.
Windbreak weathered by salt and sun,
beaten by a pounding rock. This first picture did feel a little weak as an opener, but then on the second
read it felt ok after I had got into the subject. (Also If this is a picture log
of a day at the sea then perhaps that first magical view over the sand
dunes or the walk down the cliff to the beach would be a stronger memory)
Also I keep thinking is this a domestic windbreak or a beach head one?
Sand shaped by shell and tide,
re-worked by a tiny foot. Loved the drawing in to the microscopic. Always do this when i first sit on
the sand...get drawn into contemplation of the sand and shell fragments.
What rock they were hewn from, what tiny foot.... felt this line was so
good nearly didn't get any further on first read!
Creatures caught by line and net,
beached by a sloshing hand. Not sure if this worked for me. would like something a little stronger to do
the image justice...? captive creatures in the net (no still not right!)
Bodies boarded by wetsuit and wave,
frozen by a juddering jaw.
Seagulls shunned by flip-flop and book,
crazed by a Cornish crust. Fun and spot on.
Dizzy from dingy inflation.
Burnt from bare excavation.
Trekked from sand to castle.
Tumbled from surf to towel.
Raced from rock to pool. This really seamed to pull everything together and make all the other
snap shots come into sharper focus....lovely.
Sun set supported by fish and chips,
greasy fingers and salty lips.
Empty beach with snuggly fleece,
children yawn, storied to sleep.
Mum and dad take some time,
watch the waves with bottle of wine.
Cooling sand shows remnants of fun,
windbreak flaps at the last of the sun. Again...yummy memories well summed up.
Hope the personal approach to appraisal is perhaps in some way complimentary to the other critiques
Oh shit comp user failure....again!...I can't do bloodly computors....give me a crayon any day...how do I get it to stay in the indents that I wrote it in???
..need to go find tecno son to tell me how to sort it out