11-23-2012, 12:54 PM
Hey Jack,
I like how used the title to sell the ending in the last two lines. I think it's fitting that Jacobi is gay. So nice condensed scene and insight. My only call out is I'm not fond of the parenthetical aside. It detracts from the moment for me. Maybe simply: at a dinner 'n' dancing joint.
Beyond that, no issues. I liked it.
Best,
Todd
I like how used the title to sell the ending in the last two lines. I think it's fitting that Jacobi is gay. So nice condensed scene and insight. My only call out is I'm not fond of the parenthetical aside. It detracts from the moment for me. Maybe simply: at a dinner 'n' dancing joint.
Beyond that, no issues. I liked it.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson