11-19-2012, 03:27 AM
Hi,
There is so much in there that i felt a little overwhealed as a reader and somewhat swamped by the large block of continuious thought. A few breathers and a bit more structure would help the reader assimilate the flow of thoughts.
I found that i had lost the tread of thought about half way through and needed to go back to the top to remind myself what the issue was, so perhaps a bit of work to ensure that the core message is plottable through the whole.
As encouragment I would like to comment on your ability to couple up emotive ideas and images which while some might be described as cliche, they demonstrate your ability project an emotion into an image and then communicate this.
There is lots of material and ideas in this poem that have mileage for further exploration....just the last few lines alone could keep me amused for hours.....I hope you can forgive my playing around with your words but you have some great things going on in the work you have posted..so good i couldn't help myself from a quick play...your writing has inspired me and I think this is one of the wonderful things about reading other's poetry, so be encouraged and keep up the writing.
A guardian of love,
A warrior of passion,
A war without an end
Let my enemies come I say!
I relish the sound of sword n shield,
to ever ride and mount the field,
where battle to battle my love is won.
My vanquished foe - spent and done
So soul of love let war rage on,
and happy die in a war with no end,
A worthy death for me to defend
There is so much in there that i felt a little overwhealed as a reader and somewhat swamped by the large block of continuious thought. A few breathers and a bit more structure would help the reader assimilate the flow of thoughts.
I found that i had lost the tread of thought about half way through and needed to go back to the top to remind myself what the issue was, so perhaps a bit of work to ensure that the core message is plottable through the whole.
As encouragment I would like to comment on your ability to couple up emotive ideas and images which while some might be described as cliche, they demonstrate your ability project an emotion into an image and then communicate this.
There is lots of material and ideas in this poem that have mileage for further exploration....just the last few lines alone could keep me amused for hours.....I hope you can forgive my playing around with your words but you have some great things going on in the work you have posted..so good i couldn't help myself from a quick play...your writing has inspired me and I think this is one of the wonderful things about reading other's poetry, so be encouraged and keep up the writing.
A guardian of love,
A warrior of passion,
A war without an end
Let my enemies come I say!
I relish the sound of sword n shield,
to ever ride and mount the field,
where battle to battle my love is won.
My vanquished foe - spent and done
So soul of love let war rage on,
and happy die in a war with no end,
A worthy death for me to defend