11-10-2012, 03:46 PM
Late to this 
i really like the vibe. Agree with Aish about the lullaby comment. "In between the moon and land // Between the infinite stars and sand"
that's the stuff the oldest stories are made of. The context really sparks my imagination... but the rest of it, the actual meat of the narrative, seems to be intentionally vague? Two travelled one could be they traveled as one or traveled one path; it's the ending, the "one that travelled two in the space between the void and you" that is a lot more elusive. The "you" seems to be traveling alone, so I am left guessing that the last line means that this "you" wasn't always alone, that a separation happened. This is just a guess
. If it is a correct guess, maybe you could consider changing up "space" to something that sounds more hollow than "void", so the loss is clearer. Just one thought
i really like the vibe. Agree with Aish about the lullaby comment. "In between the moon and land // Between the infinite stars and sand"
that's the stuff the oldest stories are made of. The context really sparks my imagination... but the rest of it, the actual meat of the narrative, seems to be intentionally vague? Two travelled one could be they traveled as one or traveled one path; it's the ending, the "one that travelled two in the space between the void and you" that is a lot more elusive. The "you" seems to be traveling alone, so I am left guessing that the last line means that this "you" wasn't always alone, that a separation happened. This is just a guess
. If it is a correct guess, maybe you could consider changing up "space" to something that sounds more hollow than "void", so the loss is clearer. Just one thought
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?