11-05-2012, 09:49 AM
This is very ambitious, and has many flaws, in my view. On the other hand, trying to paint with broad brush-strokes on such a large canvas, suggests that with some work, the effect would be much improved. Many lines seem not to follow logically, and there are many forced rhymes, but I think suggestions about these would be wasted until you have given thought to a more basic point.
To my ear, the rhyming couplets are wrong: almost any other pattern, would be better, or, if you feel up to it, something like terza rima, which always offers the possibility of a good punch at the end. Btw, 'roue, with the accent, is pronounced roo-ay, and so does not rhyme with 'you'. Minor thing.
I also heard metre in parts, but then it faded, as if you had not made up your mind. For my money, it would be much stronger if it was recast into some traditional form.
One last thing. You are best when creating a mood. But do you need to spell out the evils of globalisation? It is a case of telling and not showing -- the reader should be assumed to have picked that up. I do not think that 'show, not tell' is a golden rule which cannot be broken, but, well you get the idea, I hope.
Hope this is not too negative, esp as this is the Mild Crit one. I am saying you have the basis for something good, but it will take work.
PS Welcome!
To my ear, the rhyming couplets are wrong: almost any other pattern, would be better, or, if you feel up to it, something like terza rima, which always offers the possibility of a good punch at the end. Btw, 'roue, with the accent, is pronounced roo-ay, and so does not rhyme with 'you'. Minor thing.
I also heard metre in parts, but then it faded, as if you had not made up your mind. For my money, it would be much stronger if it was recast into some traditional form.
One last thing. You are best when creating a mood. But do you need to spell out the evils of globalisation? It is a case of telling and not showing -- the reader should be assumed to have picked that up. I do not think that 'show, not tell' is a golden rule which cannot be broken, but, well you get the idea, I hope.
Hope this is not too negative, esp as this is the Mild Crit one. I am saying you have the basis for something good, but it will take work.
PS Welcome!