Change

[Philatone]

hey umbleets!
some thoughts for you to think about

Dirty and disheveled

No shoes on his feet

Tired and famished

No food to eat

His pockets empty

His last penny spent

All that remains

A hole and some lint

All he owns in a basket

A box for a bed

A story written in a notebook ...until this line, everything feels read from a list. the description is fine, but it feels mostly superficial. what's going on beneath this? where am I being taken? what am I supposed to feel?

This is what it read:...a bit direct as a line. it could be cut without hurting the poem

"I was sixteen when I left

Nearly twenty two when I returned

My left arm completely gone

My right severely burned...by guiding the reader directly to those potentially strong images, the impact of the words is lost. Rather than stating an arm is gone and the other is burned, a description that leaves the reader to interpret what has happened would be more rewarding

I wasn't just a boy

I was so much more

I was a soldier

An asset to a war...i would drop the 'a'

I gave my all...what does this mean to you? explain

Barely came out alive[/font]

I survived the struggle

Now I struggle to survive

I was dealt a bad hand

The system had four aces

I went all in

And came out among the faceless faces"

As I finished reading

I thought it somewhat strange

For all that I owe this man

Why does he only ask for change?..i like the ending idea

one thing holding back the rhymes is the lack of meter. Meter is a structure that a poem can use to make it feel more organized. It controls line length and can strengthen the impact of words. On the site, there have been several explanations of it; if you have specific questions on it or want to know where to start, feel free to message another moderator or myself or search the forums themselves. If you can apply it to the poem, I think you will get a stronger, and even more insightful, piece.