Saved by Sin

[umbleets]

Waiting for an absolution

A remission of my sin

Release me from punishment

For there is something more within

By no way do I claim

Nor will I ever, to be a saint

Far from flawless

Perfect I ain't

All of my mistakes

My entire aberration

Part of the process

A live and learn collaboration

Knowledge isn't just power

Its strength, to say the least

Ignorance isn't bliss

Its the belly of the beast

The beast being damnation

That feeds on the naive

My sins have saved me

I believe

[Keith]

I enjoyed the content and the inversion from save me from my sins ( although your title kinda gives it away), capitals break up the flow for me and short lines make it hard to read and follow, but all this is easy fix and I ejoyed the read. Thanks

[addy]

It's a good premise; you've presented an interesting inversion to certain well-worn ideas. My main problem with this piece is the number of cliches. Cliches rarely help a piece, in fact they often end up weakening a good idea. Take these lines, for instance:

Knowledge isn't just power
Its strength, to say the least

Upon further analysis, the idea has a good core. You're saying that knowledge isn't just a weapon, it is also armor; having knowledge gives you fortitude, and a resilient character. But all of that is buried under the surface level, because when people read cliche, they don't bother picking the idea apart anymore. Add to that the addition of padding phrases like "just" and "to say the least" (they don't really add anything), and in effect you made people skim over an important point you could've made. If only it didn't bog itself down, I believe this could be a much better piece.

[billy]

i see you tried to foramt the poem.

Code:

you need to use the [ind] tags.

i think if you broke it into stanza the rhyme scheme would pop ( read better) i did an example but just as a suggestion to take on board or ignore.

Waiting for an absolution

[ind] A remission of my sin

Release me from punishment

[ind] For there is something more within i like the logic and common sense of this line



By no way do I claim

[ind] Nor will I ever, to be a saint not sure if a comma is the right thing maybe a ;

Far from flawless

[ind] Perfect I ain't



All of my mistakes

[ind] My entire aberration

Part of the process

[ind] A live and learn collaboration



Knowledge isn't just power

[ind] Its strength, to say the least

Ignorance isn't bliss

[ind] Its the belly of the beast four lines of cliche, the concept works but the wording weakens it.

The beast being damnation

[ind] That feeds on the naive

My sins have saved me

[ind] I believe this last line feels paradoxical. and is full of ambiguity it gives me something to think about and in doing so keeps think of the poem, it works well.

i never expected what was delivered which is refreshing.

thanks for the read.