10-15-2012, 06:09 PM
Welcome umbleets 
I thought the piece had some shining moments... the ending was particularly touching and poignant. There's a good story here. Billy is correct that in certain spots, you have to try and be more descriptive in order to escape cliche ("I wasn't just a boy // i was so much more"... it doesn't tell us a lot, and it doesn't hit the reader hard enough) I think you could perhaps try and stick to a consistent meter (it reads as a structured poem with a bit of internal rhyme, but its not all there). Needs a bit of polish, but as I said its a good story to tell. Thank you for sharing
I thought the piece had some shining moments... the ending was particularly touching and poignant. There's a good story here. Billy is correct that in certain spots, you have to try and be more descriptive in order to escape cliche ("I wasn't just a boy // i was so much more"... it doesn't tell us a lot, and it doesn't hit the reader hard enough) I think you could perhaps try and stick to a consistent meter (it reads as a structured poem with a bit of internal rhyme, but its not all there). Needs a bit of polish, but as I said its a good story to tell. Thank you for sharing
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?