10-11-2012, 06:21 AM
I really enjoyed this. It's frenzied and really captures the deterioration into drunkenness that I am quite familiar with!
The rhymes aren't forced yet they suit the rhythm, and it matches the subject perfectly.
I've only really got a couple of nit picks, mostly to do with the punctuation. Although I see why you do it, I don't think it's necessary to have a comma between 'juice' and 'sets', there's a pause there that doesn't work. Same with the second stanza 'juices' would work just as well as 'juice's' -- I'm not 100% sure why you've capitalised it, either. For me it's kind of like a mantra, said in the mind, and when that punctuation is there it disrupts the flow.
Other than that, it's really effective and I enjoyed it!
The rhymes aren't forced yet they suit the rhythm, and it matches the subject perfectly.
I've only really got a couple of nit picks, mostly to do with the punctuation. Although I see why you do it, I don't think it's necessary to have a comma between 'juice' and 'sets', there's a pause there that doesn't work. Same with the second stanza 'juices' would work just as well as 'juice's' -- I'm not 100% sure why you've capitalised it, either. For me it's kind of like a mantra, said in the mind, and when that punctuation is there it disrupts the flow.
Other than that, it's really effective and I enjoyed it!