As the Day

[MrA]

I really like many of the elements here. 'Where god waits with taut skin' is an interesting turn of phrase, and I like how you ended it. I think it could be tightened up a wee bit more: just one example, you don't need "because" in line 4, especially since it weakens the immediate drama... just break the phrases apart.

Also, reading through your narrative intent for the poem: you don't have to be too overt or anything, but i think you need to insert an image or reference that more clearly alludes sexual desire. Though in reality the narrator's desire might have little to do with actual sex, it at least will give some context to the story.

Nicely done. Cheers

The 'because' was originally 'for' but I didn't want to sound too ancient. I'll see what I can do. Aye, I think it could do with a trimming and maybe a little hint of an explanation but that's a maybe.

I appreciate the honest feedback and praise. Cheers.