09-29-2012, 08:49 AM
I really like many of the elements here. 'Where god waits with taut skin' is an interesting turn of phrase, and I like how you ended it. I think it could be tightened up a wee bit more: just one example, you don't need "because" in line 4, especially since it weakens the immediate drama... just break the phrases apart.
Also, reading through your narrative intent for the poem: you don't have to be too overt or anything, but i think you need to insert an image or reference that more clearly alludes sexual desire. Though in reality the narrator's desire might have little to do with actual sex, it at least will give some context to the story.
Nicely done. Cheers
Also, reading through your narrative intent for the poem: you don't have to be too overt or anything, but i think you need to insert an image or reference that more clearly alludes sexual desire. Though in reality the narrator's desire might have little to do with actual sex, it at least will give some context to the story.
Nicely done. Cheers
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?