09-07-2012, 06:46 PM
(09-07-2012, 06:24 PM)penguin Wrote: A fine rhythm throughout, very nice opening couplet.Thanks for this Ray. Yes to "puts". Will credit you
The long cast heat from promised sun clears mists and midge in flight;
- I'd prefer "puts mist and midge to flight".
From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale - 2nd half doesn't sound right. Could you not say "stout eucalyptus' sweet oiled breath exhale"?
She steps into the silky flow, on stones like warm goose eggs, - I can see they might look like goose eggs but if you're stepping on them surely they'll crack.
Despite which it's a lovely poem.
Ray
"Eucalypt" is the correct generic name and pluralises to Eucalypts.
I only said they were "like" goose eggs! The actual descriptive analogy only extends to shape and size....metaphors are like that
"the moon was like an edam cheese......." Well, it may look like Edam cheese but surely it would melt in the sun. Oui?Best
tectak