09-07-2012, 06:24 PM
A fine rhythm throughout, very nice opening couplet.
The long cast heat from promised sun clears mists and midge in flight;
- I'd prefer "puts mist and midge to flight".
From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale - 2nd half doesn't sound right. Could you not say "stout eucalyptus' sweet oiled breath exhale"?
She steps into the silky flow, on stones like warm goose eggs, - I can see they might look like goose eggs but if you're stepping on them surely they'll crack.
Despite which it's a lovely poem.
Ray
The long cast heat from promised sun clears mists and midge in flight;
- I'd prefer "puts mist and midge to flight".
From shingled shores stout eucalypts, their sweet oiled breath exhale - 2nd half doesn't sound right. Could you not say "stout eucalyptus' sweet oiled breath exhale"?
She steps into the silky flow, on stones like warm goose eggs, - I can see they might look like goose eggs but if you're stepping on them surely they'll crack.
Despite which it's a lovely poem.
Ray
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.