And you are? :
#5
(09-01-2012, 05:36 PM)billy Wrote:  I've lost my younger self along the way.
The eyesight's gone, but when I do not know
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.

What hair I had has upped and gone astray
but not the short and curlies down below
I've lost my younger self along the way,

my shrivelled penis doesn't swing or sway,
it disappeared and can no longer crow
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.
2
As problems shrink in size i have to weigh
forgetfulness, my memories run slow.
I've lost my younger self along the way.

I used to fantasise; a blonde buffet--
the joy of sex departed long ago,
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.

The girls, the games, and how we played each day
at kick-the-can or ringolevio.
I've lost my younger self along the way,
and where it went I couldn't rightly say.

i counted memories as mem-o-ries
This is haunting, billy. You may need to be of an age to be capable of a)the insight and b) the candidity...if that is a word.
There is an uncontrived looseness of form, repetition and honesty which is disarmingly personal.....a little uncomfortable, too. As a piece of poetry it suffers from its attributesBig Grin because the refrains (which by definition must repeat) become a little too prolific in their cyclical appearance in three line stanzas. I am NOT suggesting a rewrite into a longer verse form but cannot help thinking that "I've lost my younger self along the way and where it went I could not rightly say" would make a very suitable intro for an age deprecatory piece with the same closing couplet. The poignancy which is in the piece as is, is diminished by the over repetition of the refrain. Just a thought....I don't have many.
Best
tectak
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Messages In This Thread
And you are? : - by billy - 09-01-2012, 05:36 PM
RE: And you are? : - by Leanne - 09-01-2012, 05:47 PM
RE: And you are? : - by billy - 09-02-2012, 07:02 AM
RE: And you are? : - by Leanne - 09-02-2012, 07:06 AM
RE: And you are? : - by tectak - 09-04-2012, 05:15 PM
RE: And you are? : - by billy - 09-04-2012, 05:24 PM
RE: And you are? : - by billy - 09-04-2012, 05:35 PM
RE: And you are? : - by tectak - 09-04-2012, 11:10 PM
RE: And you are? : - by addy - 09-04-2012, 05:24 PM
RE: And you are? : - by Leanne - 09-04-2012, 05:36 PM
RE: And you are? : - by billy - 09-04-2012, 05:40 PM
RE: And you are? : - by billy - 09-05-2012, 04:06 PM



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