08-17-2012, 03:32 PM
I wonder if you need lines 5 and 6 in each verse. They seem to do more harm than good and apart from the middle verse lopping them off would make no difference - or so it seems to me.They seem to only reiterate what's been said.
Nice opening 2 lines, though it's "ethereally". The language you use is a bit Newtonian yet you say you're only 63!
If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far,
was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star?
Needs sorting out as it's neither question or statement at present.
Esoteric truths were plucked from randomness, all strangely sure - this line is slightly out of sync with preceding 3.
A fleeting thought, anthropic yet, cannot outpace the light I see. - I don't understand this line - but I'm no scientist.
Nice opening 2 lines, though it's "ethereally". The language you use is a bit Newtonian yet you say you're only 63!
If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far,
was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star?
Needs sorting out as it's neither question or statement at present.
Esoteric truths were plucked from randomness, all strangely sure - this line is slightly out of sync with preceding 3.
A fleeting thought, anthropic yet, cannot outpace the light I see. - I don't understand this line - but I'm no scientist.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.