Going to the Country -revised

[penguin]

Revision

A half-ploughed field haunted, two tractors abandoned
betoken the future. Agricultural labour
has paused for a cider and a piss in the ditch;
a puff on a pipe to turn matters over,
late afternoon slumber in the shade of a hedge.

Light dapples a tree stump and lends the appearance
of fairy enchantment or deer at a distance;
the cadence of branches, the rhythm of swaying,
melodious birdsong flatters the forest.
Our children and dogs heckle notes of discordance.

Fair-weather features will be tacked to the borders;
defacing the country, they shall in due order
grow beards and moustaches, pimples and glasses,
alter complexion from top to the bottom
for the crosses that count - the plight of the commons.

Tomorrow this birdsong might be too intrusive
or pass by unnoticed like shopping mall music
and trees, grown too tall for bowing and scraping,
snatched from the breach between earth and its ceiling,
will groan for the good of the greater number.

Original

A half-ploughed field haunted, two tractors abandoned
betoken the future. Agricultural labour
has paused for a cider and a piss in the ditch;
a puff on a pipe to turn matters over,
late afternoon slumber in the shade of a hedge.

Dappled light on a tree stump lends the appearance
of fairy enchantment or deer at a distance;
the cadence of branches, the rhythm of swaying,
melodious birdsong flatters the forest.
We bring children and dogs and note the discordance.

Fair-weather features are tacked to the borders,
defacing the country, they shall in their order
grow beards and moustaches, pimples and glasses,
be coloured in every shade of the spectrum;
but it’s crosses that count - the plight of the commons.

How long before birdsong becomes too intrusive
or passes unnoticed like shopping mall music
and trees, grown too tall for bowing and scraping,
are snatched from the breach between earth and its ceiling,
to groan for the good of the greater number?

[billy]

not sure how i missed this one, will return after lunch

[billy]

A half-ploughed field haunted, two tractors abandoned is haunted needed?
betoken the future. Agricultural labour
has paused for a cider and a piss in the ditch; great image
a puff on a pipe to turn matters over,
late afternoon slumber in the shade of a hedge. would and in front of late work better

Dappled light on a tree stump lends the appearance
of fairy enchantment or deer at a distance;
the cadence of branches, the rhythm of swaying,
melodious birdsong flatters the forest.
We bring children and dogs and note the discordance.

Fair-weather features are tacked to the borders,
defacing the country, they shall in their order
grow beards and moustaches, pimples and glasses,
be coloured in every shade of the spectrum;
but it’s crosses that count - the plight of the commons.

How long before birdsong becomes too intrusive
or passes unnoticed like shopping mall music
and trees, grown too tall for bowing and scraping,
are snatched from the breach between earth and its ceiling,
to groan for the good of the greater number?

it feels like it's trying to hard to give a message instead of just being a poem. the last stanza in particular. there are lots of really good imagery
the first stanza read and i felt i was in for a treat, but then it got it's sunday best on and spoke in a posh voice that was about the country and not of it, of course the title says it's about going to and not of the country.

We bring children and dogs and note the discordance.
sort of spoiled some of the poetical 2nd stanza.

in a sentence; it felt a bit ranty after the 1st stanza.

thanks for the read, sorry for not visiting it sooner

[penguin]

Thanks, billy. It changes tack around halfway, to be sure, though I don't see it as a rant at all. I wrote it on holiday a couple of years ago in the Forest of Dean on the day Gordon Brown called the General Election.
Most people have compared the 2nd half unflatteringly to the 1st!The 10th line is meant to disturb the idyll, so it does that, but perhaps could be put better. I think the 3rd verse could do with clarity, but the last verse I like. It asks some pertinent questions, is all.
I think I need "haunted" for the rhythm.

Ray

[billy]

i see rants in anything . maybe rant wasn't the right word to use.
and the 10th line certainly did that i think it starts off all country the idiosyncrasy of it and at the end it feels a bit preachy, maybe that was word i should have used. but it could just be my eyes that see it that way. thanks for not beating me

[addy]

A half-ploughed field haunted, two tractors abandoned
betoken the future. Agricultural labour
has paused for a cider and a piss in the ditch;
a puff on a pipe to turn matters over,
late afternoon slumber in the shade of a hedge. Great stanza

Dappled light on a tree stump lends the appearance
of fairy enchantment or deer at a distance;
the cadence of branches, the rhythm of swaying,
melodious birdsong flatters the forest.
We bring children and dogs and note the discordance. "Note the discordance" reads a tad bit stiff. If the intention was to be jarring, this holds back from that

Fair-weather features are tacked to the borders,
defacing the country, they shall in their order should it be "in due order"? (I'm not sure though )
grow beards and moustaches, pimples and glasses,
be coloured in every shade of the spectrum; Not sure how to interpret this line
but it’s crosses that count - the plight of the commons.

How long before birdsong becomes too intrusive
or passes unnoticed like shopping mall music
and trees, grown too tall for bowing and scraping, Again, not sure, but maybe you can leave the question up to the second line, than have the last three lines not be in question form. They're good lines, and (for me anyway) they don't have to be rhetorical to work within the context
are snatched from the breach between earth and its ceiling,
to groan for the good of the greater number?

Thanks very much for the enjoyable read

[penguin]

Thanks, Addy. That's maybe a good idea about the last verse.As for the 3rd verse, it should be
Fair-weather features will be tacked to the borders.

But looking afresh at this verse I think it's gonna go or be torn apart. It reads to me now like a warning of encroaching multiculturalism and that's not the intent. It was meant to be about election posters appearing all over the place.

[billy]

the edit's an improvement, specially the first line in the last stanza. that said the last line of poem feel lumpy (for want of a better word) it just feels like a foot or a syl is missing.

[addy]

For me it reads a lot better, and with such minor edits . Nicely done

[Philatone]

hey ray
taking a look at the revision

Revision

A half-ploughed field haunted, two tractors abandoned
betoken the future. Agricultural labour ...as an opening, I feel the reader is really being directed to a lot without much chance to let his own imagination create the scene. words like "haunted" and "betoken the future" just don't release me from the speaker's grip, and it's not a good feeling. "Agricultural labour" strikes me as a bit too vague to give me a specific image
has paused for a cider and a piss in the ditch; ..not sure if the present perfect is fully needed; I think just "paused" would work fine
a puff on a pipe to turn matters over, ...interesting play on the expression, what with the farming imagery
late afternoon slumber in the shade of a hedge. ...In a lot of ways, the poem does not really start until "Agricultural labour"

Light dapples a tree stump and lends the appearance ..."lends the appearance" weakens the picture; would be much stronger to either make a simile or metaphor
of fairy enchantment or deer at a distance;...again, "fairy enchantment" strikes me as too vague, especially with the more-specific "deer"
the cadence of branches, the rhythm of swaying,
melodious birdsong flatters the forest. ...aren't the "cadence" and "rhythm" all subjects? "flatter" may be more appropriate
Our children and dogs heckle notes of discordance.
...outside of the last line, the rest of the stanza did little for me. lots of pretty little descriptions, but i feel like i've been led down a tangent that keeps lengthening.

Fair-weather features will be tacked to the borders; ...an active verb rather than a passive one (will be tacked) could strengthen the line
defacing the country, they shall in due order ..period or semi-colon instead of a comma? Again, i'm being told/ preached to ("they shall in due order)
grow beards and moustaches, pimples and glasses,
alter complexion from top to the bottom ...perhaps the line, with its "top to the bottom," can be said to extend to classes, but it struck me more as extra information more than anything
for the crosses that count - the plight of the commons.

Tomorrow this birdsong might be too intrusive
or pass by unnoticed like shopping mall music...the "shopping mall" really jarred for me; I realize that is probably the desire, but there are other ways to create the same effect while using elements of nature (or its destruction). the "might be too" is rather indecisive
and trees, grown too tall for bowing and scraping,
snatched from the breach between earth and its ceiling,
will groan for the good of the greater number.

the images I have no problems with, really. that being said, it's their usage and length that felt like a detraction from the piece. they occasionally sounded "preachy" to me. I like the ideas, but felt like some could be trimmed; what would remain would strike me as more profound.

just my thoughts; i hope one or two may be of use

[penguin]

You're a hard audience, Geoff. Too directive and too vague in the opening 3 lines!And there was me thinking the first two verses wereok. Ha-ha!I'm not so keen on betoken now - originally I had "figure the future". Does that make sense?
Yes, flatter is more correct.
Agree on "might be too" also.
Thanks, Geoff. It's good to get other views. I can't agree with the "preachy" comment. I've read many preachy poems and this has more subtlety, I think.

Ray

[Philatone]

it's just how it read to me. obviously, none of those things were of note to others, so i'm guessing my own take just hasn't been the same. it certainly reads well

I agree that the "preachiness" is not as heavy as in other poems; i wouldn't be expecting you to create pieces aimed to lecture, so the parts i noted would be tame in other situations, but felt heavier in the context.

[tectak]

Revision

A half-ploughed field haunted, two tractors abandoned
betoken the future. Agricultural labour
has paused for a cider and a piss in the ditch;
a puff on a pipe to turn matters over,
late afternoon slumber in the shade of a hedge. I have read this piece through many times and will try a stanza by stanza. OK. I don't really "get" the "haunted" (spiritually compelled to revisit by memory, manifestation of a spectre, usually long dead) definition that you have in mind, but I am equally sure that you do. The "betoken"-ing is seriously diminished by the actuality. The buggers knocked of for a pee and puff. Hardly portentous but the imagery of the thing is way above the context

Light dapples a tree stump and lends the appearance
of fairy enchantment or deer at a distance;
the cadence of branches, the rhythm of swaying,
melodious birdsong flatters the forest.
Our children and dogs heckle notes of discordance.Now I really must take issue with the cadence of branches. You are not so determined to hoodwink your reader into false interpretations that you would use "cadence" (as my friend does, but he wears tights and a gusset) to indicate how fast a cyclist rotates his pedals....no...I thought not;so it must be the musical analogy. ....huh?....OK the branches are pedalling along. See if I care. The rest of this stanza is over-egged romanticism to no real purpose. I am now very suspicious of you word choice and my concern is born out by the "flattering" of the forest by birdsong. The trouble, I think, is the necessary anthropomorphising of the forest in order that it can be receptive to eulogy. Alternatively, you may be implying that the forest is somehow made to appear better than it is because of the birdsong....and I know that is an acceptable use for the word, but as I said.....I am now supicious of you intention. Note. Some make it clear that they strive to be unclear, clearly, you are not of that clique?

Fair-weather features will be tacked to the borders;
defacing the country, they shall in due order
grow beards and moustaches, pimples and glasses,
alter complexion from top to the bottom
for the crosses that count - the plight of the commons. I have tried, believe me I have tried. Give me a clue. Eight letters beginning with ? Oh, go on....just one teeny clue. This is a difficult stanza. I am getting weather maps, I am getting wind-turbines, I am getting political dogma, I am getting no where. IMBM.

Tomorrow this birdsong might be too intrusive
or pass by unnoticed like shopping mall music
and trees, grown too tall for bowing and scraping,
snatched from the breach between earth and its ceiling,
will groan for the good of the greater number. Let's end on a high. This stanza sounds good. In fact, I like it. I like it because most of it means something to me. It may mean something else to others but does that really matter? Oh, by the way, what DOES the last line mean.

Overall, I got lost. Seems to me to be written on the hoof with no real idea where it was going until you locked on to the birdsong/environment/global warming/population explosion and thought you would bend it into the barrel. Some nice bits but lacking homogeneousness. I will ALWAYS cry foul when free verse fails to deliver clarity, as without the requirements of the discipline of rhyme there is no excuse for cryptic content....at least no reason, perhaps. Just for the record, it is a minor sin to confuse me....I am easily confused, but just as easily pleased.
Best,
tectak

Original

A half-ploughed field haunted, two tractors abandoned
betoken the future. Agricultural labour
has paused for a cider and a piss in the ditch;
a puff on a pipe to turn matters over,
late afternoon slumber in the shade of a hedge.

Dappled light on a tree stump lends the appearance
of fairy enchantment or deer at a distance;
the cadence of branches, the rhythm of swaying,
melodious birdsong flatters the forest.
We bring children and dogs and note the discordance.

Fair-weather features are tacked to the borders,
defacing the country, they shall in their order
grow beards and moustaches, pimples and glasses,
be coloured in every shade of the spectrum;
but it’s crosses that count - the plight of the commons.

How long before birdsong becomes too intrusive
or passes unnoticed like shopping mall music
and trees, grown too tall for bowing and scraping,
are snatched from the breach between earth and its ceiling,
to groan for the good of the greater number?

[penguin]

Thanks, Tom. I'll try and answer your points verse by verse but running through the poem is the political context. It was written, or started, on the day Gordon Brown announced he was "going to the country".
So my political senses were heightened and the field and tractors seemed symptomatic of something in the country, the UK that is - that we produce so very little of our own stuff, so many essentials have been abandoned. In retrospect "stopped" would be better than "paused".
The cadence of branches is straightforward, their rise and fall in the wind.I never did get round to changing "flatters" to "flatter". I'm suspicious of the romantic impulse, myself, "lends the appearance" and "flatter" are marks of my cynicism.
3rd verse is difficult, yes, even for me! The fair-weather features are those of political candidates. Is it still the practice for electoral candidate's mugshots to be pinned in public spaces? I think so. They deface and are defaced in turn. They will tell you black is white in order to gain and stay in power.That's one Commons plight. The other is simple overpopulation and overuse of land.
Democracy is the greatest good of the greatest number - or summat like that.Forests are felled etc.
All that said, I think there's some truth in your remark about bending things into a barrel!
The discipline that rhyme brings is not the only poetic discipline, though. I wouldn't be the first to point out that "free verse" is not free and I pay a lot of attention to rhythm.