08-17-2012, 11:22 AM
Neutrino Man There are hints of classic comic heros or antiheros in the name, though he would be a weakly-interacting neutral hero.
Like quantum time, I find that I exist etherealy.
My motions, though Newtonian, are steps I take most serially. I agree that you should either rhyme or not or we must rescan the whole looking for the scheme that we had missed.
Gravity, that occult force, which shall not ever be defined Like the occult analogy
is constant in my universe and by its cage I am confined,
and by its nature I am blind,
and by its laws constrained. I like the meter here, but I could also scan it wanting the same number of feet as the above line. An extra word like "remain constrained" might satisfy.
If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far,
was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star? "matter new" takes a more archaic tone than the rest. You repeat it below in "anthropoic yet" Unless a fixed meter or rhyme is forcing it, I would avoid reversals like that (were it me writing.)
Then time and light and space took hold, perversely making laws obscure.
Esoteric truths were plucked from randomness, all strangely sure
that for eternity endure
until no longer true. Liking these last three lines and the quantum time makes more sense.
A fleeting thought, anthropic yet, cannot outpace the light I see. Here I am confused because I wonder what the fleeting tought is and don't have the information I would like to get an answer.
But for one tick of quantum time, that which will be, will surely be;
and that which, though with faith and hope, will not transpire if destined no.
For nought can change the way things are, and none are wise enough to know
A second hence in time’s sure flow
Until forever dead.
I come at this late, and figure it best to judge from the present state and not go searching the older versions. It has obviously been combed through quite thoroughly. The words are well chosen, the fat has been trimmed. For a science based poem the fact that it borders on clinical is no fault. It does seem cryptic however. I get the general idea, but in places the meaning is buried in the strong artifice of the sentences. It pleases me, but doesn't move me to any great degree. That's not necessarily bad since it is probably not what you were aiming for.
Like quantum time, I find that I exist etherealy.
My motions, though Newtonian, are steps I take most serially. I agree that you should either rhyme or not or we must rescan the whole looking for the scheme that we had missed.
Gravity, that occult force, which shall not ever be defined Like the occult analogy
is constant in my universe and by its cage I am confined,
and by its nature I am blind,
and by its laws constrained. I like the meter here, but I could also scan it wanting the same number of feet as the above line. An extra word like "remain constrained" might satisfy.
If from that cold yet black-hot seed, from whence all things sprang forth and far,
was I born there, in matter new, to be full formed, a mortal star? "matter new" takes a more archaic tone than the rest. You repeat it below in "anthropoic yet" Unless a fixed meter or rhyme is forcing it, I would avoid reversals like that (were it me writing.)
Then time and light and space took hold, perversely making laws obscure.
Esoteric truths were plucked from randomness, all strangely sure
that for eternity endure
until no longer true. Liking these last three lines and the quantum time makes more sense.
A fleeting thought, anthropic yet, cannot outpace the light I see. Here I am confused because I wonder what the fleeting tought is and don't have the information I would like to get an answer.
But for one tick of quantum time, that which will be, will surely be;
and that which, though with faith and hope, will not transpire if destined no.
For nought can change the way things are, and none are wise enough to know
A second hence in time’s sure flow
Until forever dead.
I come at this late, and figure it best to judge from the present state and not go searching the older versions. It has obviously been combed through quite thoroughly. The words are well chosen, the fat has been trimmed. For a science based poem the fact that it borders on clinical is no fault. It does seem cryptic however. I get the general idea, but in places the meaning is buried in the strong artifice of the sentences. It pleases me, but doesn't move me to any great degree. That's not necessarily bad since it is probably not what you were aiming for.