08-15-2012, 12:02 AM
I enjoyed the first 4 verses, after which I thought it meandered to a close.
Like others I'd question "strangely attracted". I'd either scrap it or give it a line on its own. Apart from that the 2nd verse is appealing.
I'd suggest
as they have countless times since
without ever wedding.
Is blacknight meant to be one word?
The very mention of "galactic" and my heads under a blanket but very nice otherwise.
Great line, this
I have known you
since you were lightning and I the air you parted.
4 similes is at least 2 too many, though.
After that 4th verse I gradually lost interest. All the I cannot this, I cannot that - I just thought, well don't then.
But mostly a very nice effort.
Like others I'd question "strangely attracted". I'd either scrap it or give it a line on its own. Apart from that the 2nd verse is appealing.
I'd suggest
as they have countless times since
without ever wedding.
Is blacknight meant to be one word?
The very mention of "galactic" and my heads under a blanket but very nice otherwise.
Great line, this
I have known you
since you were lightning and I the air you parted.
4 similes is at least 2 too many, though.
After that 4th verse I gradually lost interest. All the I cannot this, I cannot that - I just thought, well don't then.
But mostly a very nice effort.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.