Gravity

[billy]

hi braggman

Attraction is
a provability works but only because of the title.
the tether
the strange force at a distance is 'the strange' needed, is gravity strange?
that holds all together
as it falls disparate love 'disparate' though it's a bit confusing as to what is falling?
and tangent
to the ground
to the moon
to the sun. to many 'to's'
the 1st stanza works though some of the statements feel contrived. the metaphor that's in play feels mixed. it's seems to be about attraction which isn't really the same thing.
 
Strangely attracted children why strangely?
hear and infer
the ice cream truck
by its song and its route
because space is curved is 'because' needed?
by desire.
 
We sit at the edge
of a tree line
within the faint arc of porch light
watching cold blacknight warped this and the next line carry great images should black night be two words or hyphenated?
into warm galactic flows.
Though we each began as separate stars
our paths at last approached and circled at last' is redundant
as they have since countless times
and yet they never wed. no but they have been know to collide and become one
 
I have known you
since you were lightning and I the air you parted,
since we were water and the wind drew us in,
since you were sunlight and I sealed in amber, some of the metaphor break down a little upon reflection.
you were jasmine and I the fallen dew.
We teased, we courted, we played unhurried.
We seeped among the leaves. nice image
We rose to our adjacent clouds.
We lay in wait in the abyssal hills.  
We died and bloomed and crystallized
but were always released anew from the fire. feels cliched.
 
I cannot watch you pass again this time this time is redundant
cannot release you back to the flow that washed us
finally here
cannot stay silent, cannot stop shaking, cannot find words or thoughts for anyone but you and yet you make it clear
I cannot have you.
You have no memory of this passionate force
that binds me
close but never reaching.
My petitions carry no such weight
in your center
trapped here by the burden
of my own gravity.
 
Though worlds may pass
and new be built ten thousand times
before we get this chance again
each alive with voice and passion,
still you and I will rise from here
and as I’ve always known
you’ll return to that perpetual path
 
out
away from my side.



I've never been satisfied with the fourth stanza of this and meant to rework it. Would like some input, but get the feeling that where it should be strongest it is the weakest.

i think it's big enough in stature and content to get a really good poem out of it, personally ink you have two poems in there. some of the transitions from generalisations to personal encounters feel to far apart and the style of each stanza aren't abrupt enough to distinguish one from the other. my major nit is that it gets too wordy in the last half. most of it could be stripped out to leave a solid core. it's starts off with a smattering of science and then that part disappears. i don't think it would be harmful to create two poems.

all the things i mention are only suggestions for you to look at. in general you have a great base from which to workshop the piece. a piece which is better by far than many others

thanks braggman.