narcissus

[Ruth]

it's 3am, and I need to hear sunlight -- nice synaesthesia
hours wealthier, you, step out into life. -- the comma after you is not right, but it does feel like you needs to be emphasised... maybe a line break?
something in here is dying;
curled, I listen for its breathing.

inside, I waited for our rules to change. -- the starts this line and the preceding are too similar, one word then a comma. Do you need "inside"? I think it's implied. In fact, I'm not convinced you need this line at all.
time drips somewhere in a cave
love? you were in love with the idea
it tastes of quinine, dipped in too much sugar. -- love this image

I learned to embrace bleeding,
to love the sticky sweetness.

an emptying heart has enough blood
to flow across a kitchen table
before turning black
(you would never write this down). -- terrific stanza

sitting between our worlds are the
cold, smooth stones I collected

in spring snow covered the daffodils -- these are gorgeous lines

metaphorically speaking
this murder will be misunderstood

Nice edit... love what you've done with the place

is it me, or is the word synaesthesia kinda sexy?

thanks very much - all the previous critiques forced me to look at what I was actually talking about, and once I got that straight I could write this.

S2L1 I was looking to contrast 'inside' with S1's 'outside' - does that make sense? You think I could do without the line altogether?

thanks very much, I'm really pleased I finally fixed up this piece, it's bothered me for a while.