it's 3am, and I need to hear sunlight
hours wealthier, you
step out into life.
something in here is dying;
curled, I listen for its breathing.

time drips somewhere in a cave.
love? you were in love with the idea
it tastes of quinine, dipped in too much sugar.

I learned to embrace bleeding,
to love the sticky sweetness.

an emptying heart has enough blood
to flow across a kitchen table
before turning black
(you would never write this down).

sitting between our worlds are the
cold, smooth stones I collected.

in spring snow covered the daffodils.

metaphorically speaking
this murder will be misunderstood.

(08-05-2012, 06:20 AM)Ruth Wrote:  it's 3am, and I need to hear sunlight -- nice synaesthesia
hours wealthier, you, step out into life. -- the comma after you is not right, but it does feel like you needs to be emphasised... maybe a line break?
something in here is dying;
curled, I listen for its breathing.

inside, I waited for our rules to change. -- the starts this line and the preceding are too similar, one word then a comma. Do you need "inside"? I think it's implied. In fact, I'm not convinced you need this line at all.
time drips somewhere in a cave
love? you were in love with the idea
it tastes of quinine, dipped in too much sugar. -- love this image

I learned to embrace bleeding,
to love the sticky sweetness.

an emptying heart has enough blood
to flow across a kitchen table
before turning black
(you would never write this down). -- terrific stanza

sitting between our worlds are the
cold, smooth stones I collected

in spring snow covered the daffodils -- these are gorgeous lines

metaphorically speaking
this murder will be misunderstood

Nice edit... love what you've done with the place

(08-05-2012, 06:52 AM)Leanne Wrote:  

(08-05-2012, 06:20 AM)Ruth Wrote:  it's 3am, and I need to hear sunlight -- nice synaesthesia
hours wealthier, you, step out into life. -- the comma after you is not right, but it does feel like you needs to be emphasised... maybe a line break?
something in here is dying;
curled, I listen for its breathing.

inside, I waited for our rules to change. -- the starts this line and the preceding are too similar, one word then a comma. Do you need "inside"? I think it's implied. In fact, I'm not convinced you need this line at all.
time drips somewhere in a cave
love? you were in love with the idea
it tastes of quinine, dipped in too much sugar. -- love this image

I learned to embrace bleeding,
to love the sticky sweetness.

an emptying heart has enough blood
to flow across a kitchen table
before turning black
(you would never write this down). -- terrific stanza

sitting between our worlds are the
cold, smooth stones I collected

in spring snow covered the daffodils -- these are gorgeous lines

metaphorically speaking
this murder will be misunderstood

Nice edit... love what you've done with the place

is it me, or is the word synaesthesia kinda sexy?

thanks very much - all the previous critiques forced me to look at what I was actually talking about, and once I got that straight I could write this.

S2L1 I was looking to contrast 'inside' with S1's 'outside' - does that make sense? You think I could do without the line altogether?

thanks very much, I'm really pleased I finally fixed up this piece, it's bothered me for a while.

You don't explicitly say "outside" in S1, there is "you step out into life", so why an explicit "inside"? You have "time drips somewhere in a cave" (lovely line, by the way). For me, that's contrast enough.

You also have "in here" in the first stanza, so "inside" is implied for the next part.

---

And yes, synaesthesia is a damned sexy word

(08-05-2012, 07:10 AM)Leanne Wrote:  You don't explicitly say "outside" in S1, there is "you step out into life", so why an explicit "inside"? You have "time drips somewhere in a cave" (lovely line, by the way). For me, that's contrast enough.

You also have "in here" in the first stanza, so "inside" is implied for the next part.

---

And yes, synaesthesia is a damned sexy word

excellent point - as usual

have i already commented on this one somewhere else?

(08-05-2012, 06:20 AM)Ruth Wrote:  it's 3am, and I need to hear sunlight this is the 2nd time in a couple of days i've written the word "synaesthesia" it works here well.
hours wealthier, you
step out into life.
something in here is dying;
curled, I listen for its breathing.

time drips somewhere in a cave.
love? you were in love with the idea
it tastes of quinine, dipped in too much sugar. Now i want to know what quinine tastes like i like the line.

I learned to embrace bleeding,
to love the sticky sweetness. it works but i think the third love is teetering on wall of too many love's

an emptying heart has enough blood
to flow across a kitchen table
before turning black i love this image
(you would never write this down).

sitting between our worlds are the
cold, smooth stones I collected.

in spring snow covered the daffodils. excellent image and metaphor

metaphorically speaking
this murder will be misunderstood.

anything of a critique on the neg side are really nit picky. it read really well. i had a problem with the 2nd line but that was my fault after a few reads it became obvious that it worked well. and was great at emphasising the stepping out.

i enjoyed the read and the sadness. felt the heart and blood across the table stanza was almost awesome.

thanks for the read.

Edit looks great

Late to the party , but I'd just like to say that this is a great edit and a great poem. Strong imagery, no dead weight. Everything works and at the points where it shines its superb.

(08-07-2012, 04:32 PM)addy Wrote:  Late to the party , but I'd just like to say that this is a great edit and a great poem. Strong imagery, no dead weight. Everything works and at the points where it shines its superb.

Thanks very much!

I think this line

this is how snow feels to a daffodil

is better than what you have now.
And I don't really understand (you would never write this down).
There was a certain symmetry to the original and it's a shame that's gone but then I'm rather obsessive. I love "hours wealthier".

not being contradictory

in spring snow covered the daffodils. the relationship between spring and snow with the daff works on the metaphorical level and a physical one. i think it's a rocking line . life oppression beauty, this one line has it all. that said i have been called a moron before now

(08-05-2012, 06:20 AM)Ruth Wrote:  Late I know...but often better than never...you judge!

it's 3am, and I need to hear sunlightIs this in actuality, ie using the punctuation, what you mean to say?
"it's 3am, and I need to hear sunlight hours wealthier, you step out into life."
If this is not your intent, then it is the punctuation at fault. Sometimes uncertainty doesn't matter as the sense of the words is enough. I don't believe that is the case here.

hours wealthier, you
step out into life.
something in here is dying;
curled, I listen for its breathing. Nice two lines to this stanza but again, what or who is curled? You or the something.

time drips somewhere in a cave.OK. That is a conceded metaphor. I can feel the line. The next I cannot. Is it:
"love? you were in love with the idea it tastes of quinine, dipped in too much sugar."
Are you using line breaks as commas, stops and semi colons/colons? I find this technique very hard to wrestle with because I want to read it with ease. As it is you are asking the reader to concentrate on something other than the poetry.
Nor can I get the image of quinine, the bitter element of Tonic Water being "dipped" in anything. "....tastes of quinine, laced with too much sugar" perhaps. Picky? Yes, maybe. Sorry


love? you were in love with the idea
it tastes of quinine, dipped in too much sugar.

I learned to embrace bleeding,
to love the sticky sweetness.

an emptying heart has enough blood
to flow across a kitchen table
before turning blackYes to the last lines. Pure indulgence and self-pity. Excellent....but ruined in its intent by the next line. What is it there for? I have nothing but contempt for it. It ruins my imagery and is in itself paradoxical. This is not a paradoxical poem. It is, or was, much easier to empathise with the subject until the shrink walked in with his note pad. Bah!
(you would never write this down).

sitting between our worlds are the
cold, smooth stones I collected.

in spring snow covered the daffodils.

metaphorically speaking
this murder will be misunderstood.And a commendable final effort.

I get the feeling that you write your poems in character and sometimes you cannot resist the temptation to examine your own thinking concurrent with the writing. By all means involve yourself with the piece but it is not useful to make VISIBLE notes as side-shoots on the main stem. Pinch off the side-shoots if you want healthy growth. I like your work but feel that I am listening in on a schizophrenic musing. You may or may not agree but one of you is wrong
Best,
tectak