narcissus

[Leanne]

it's 3am, and I need to hear sunlight -- nice synaesthesia
hours wealthier, you, step out into life. -- the comma after you is not right, but it does feel like you needs to be emphasised... maybe a line break?
something in here is dying;
curled, I listen for its breathing.

inside, I waited for our rules to change. -- the starts this line and the preceding are too similar, one word then a comma. Do you need "inside"? I think it's implied. In fact, I'm not convinced you need this line at all.
time drips somewhere in a cave
love? you were in love with the idea
it tastes of quinine, dipped in too much sugar. -- love this image

I learned to embrace bleeding,
to love the sticky sweetness.

an emptying heart has enough blood
to flow across a kitchen table
before turning black
(you would never write this down). -- terrific stanza

sitting between our worlds are the
cold, smooth stones I collected

in spring snow covered the daffodils -- these are gorgeous lines

metaphorically speaking
this murder will be misunderstood

Nice edit... love what you've done with the place