I -V

[billy]

i'm back. after reading it a few time, i'm not sure the centre align adds anything, mabe if it were toned up a little the centering would be good.

I
3am

there is someone
in here I'm dying in here, a little cliche maybe but your opening is weak, often, specially on short lined poems we have to grab the reads ass and say hey, look at this.
dying
it's 3am, and I
need to hear
sunlight i like the way you lend noise to sunlight,
you, hours wealthier, my favourite line. has multiple connotations for the reader to play with.
step off into
your life
the blackness between
your words
will not hold time
curled
within it - I
listen for breathing.


II
continuum

inside
I waited for rules (just a suggestion how would it look if you swapped inside with I waited
to change
-time is dripping somewhere in a cave-
(Do Not drink the
black drops)
love? is this being asked of rhetorically of the narrator? if so i like it.
you were in love with it
(it tasted of quinine
dipped in too much sugar) and i like the answer. would it look better with line breaks separating the bracketed lines from the rest


III
space

a heart holds
enough blood to
flow
evenly across
a kitchen table
before turning
black i really like the perceived image of these 1st 7 lines though you could may play with the enjambment to see if you get any pleasing results
(you never wrote this down)
in the space beside speech
you can
hold smooth
cold stones
collected, I the enjambment feels off hold smooth to here
wear them in a sac
around my neck
they weigh the same as time.


IV
patterns of engagement

number one
embrace bleeding
learn to love
sticky sweetness
this is how snow
feels to a daffodil
french kissing
cold with hot
fuck this.
blood in snow feels
beautiful
the velvet of black
roses
is absolutely edible.

i like this as is. some of the analogy is excellent,


V
infinity

metaphorically speaking
my murder will
be misunderstood
it will be enough to say
it's hour
was infinite
like the taste of
chocolate
kissed from your tongue
in solitude.
i like a lot but i'm left wondering as to why is what's being said, is being said...

a nice set off snapshots which pertain to state of mind, or so it seems.
some good solid lines which are original and some of the phrases are excellent. i think you can do some work on the enjambment (just play around with it) without much trouble due to the line length.

did you use taste of chocolate in another poem?

as i said at the beginning. i wasn't over awed with the centring as i think it hides more than helps any small nits in it.

thanks for the read.