Lyrics, Linguistics, And Lexical Genius

[Philatone]

hey don!
taking a look at the first poem; i think the others would get the attention they deserve if they were posted separately. i don't want any piece to get short-changed.

haven't had a chance to look at other comments, so at the risk of being repetitive...

I saw it written upon the wall
Scratched in blood; sullen-red
Thin lines had dried; its tears did drip
Down it’s words; what it said

..."writing on a wall" is not really a new topic. I'm gathering that it is supposed to be literal, so maybe a synonym for "written" or "wall" could help keep the reader from connecting it with the old saying. also, after an opening like "I saw it written upon the wall", I expected to see the actual writing. What I got, instead, was a description of the writing. I'm not sure if the delay is really needed; it struck me as a lot of excess description. again, just my own take--i think saving the description for later would make the work more powerful--it does seem like you have an eye for it. "What it said" feels a bit too direct

She saw my passion turn obsession
And stood idly by
I examined the quote from a kneel
For his pain I did gently cry ...i get the need for rhyme, but the inversion of the sentence felt a bit awkward. perhaps for the actual quotation, you could use italics or quotation marks, just to show a separation

Why did their love denote such hurt?
She was surely no average soul ...but how do i know that?
And by its location it was clear
That love had taken an aching toll ...so writing on a wall shows a lot of pain? i'm not convinced...yet. i feel like i'm being drawn into assumptions, but i don't understand where they came from

I wept for loss, I wept for love
Impossible to rise above
The pall of passion in a lonely sky
The one whose words they were was I...i like the idea a bit more than the execution. there is just too much twisting in and out of clauses, pronouns, and grammar. it takes a bit too much effort to get at the meaning.

i see a lot of ideas, and i like them. that being said, i think the desire to convey emotion has taken the piece a bit beyond what the actual language can do. telling the reader what to assume lessens the impact of the words; letting a reader draw his own conclusions is what creates the impact.
i hope some of this is helpful and useful