***
Knocking at the door
In early morning
Is all about you
But not for me.
Some papers on the floor.
Some books for learning
And all is due…
I only want to sleep.
Posts: 171
Threads: 25
Joined: May 2012
Hello Katy. I take it there's 3 separate poems here. If so, you might have done better to post them separately. I like the first one. It's short, sweet and makes its point well. Maybe could be shorter
Papers on the floor.
Books for learning
And all is due…
I only want sleep.
The 2nd, I like the rhyme of autumn with important but the poem doesn't seem to have any focus. As for the 3rd, you really need to check your spelling.
One example
Your silly arms are deff and bitter vines. - deff?
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.
To Sonnet
You are the sun of shady ancient times.
And magic breath of future tender days.
Your silly arms are deft and bitter vines.
Your rosy hails are ripe and tiny grapes.
You are the candel - to begin the fire.
You are the moon – to bring somnambulism.
You need re fined and kindly hall – empire.
And nothing more excepting this your needs.
Put sweet pre-human hands on my dark-had -
My easy holiday and my austere Monday.
Are you ideal? Are you, maybe, bed?
It’s all not right. And, also, nobody.
You are the core the life of min’s. The plot,
Amazing angel – my Forge-me-not.
***
All isn’t important.
Sorrow has no floor.
Love is the autumn,
And nothing more.
Look at the streets,
Their trees, their fires,
The leaves like the sweets…
Love – is the theme from Shakespare …
What else do I need?
Maybe, happiness. Or…?
Love is a crazy life speed
And, of course, nothing more.
penguin, thanks for your attention. Firstly I admit 'deff' is wrong, originally 'deft'. What about 2nd poems point (I've changed the order, it's 'All isn’t important') there're sound of three different leafs across lanes or thinking of melancholy person interrupted by unexpected autumn. What about 1st I don't understand well why.
Posts: 478
Threads: 56
Joined: Oct 2011
hey katy !
just looking at the first poem; squeezing a bunch can be a little overwhelming
Quote:Knocking at the door
In early morning
Is all about you
But not for me.
Some papers on the floor.
Some books for learning
And all is due…
I only want to sleep.
the "all is due" threw me off a bit; didn't quite understand it. i like the little details, i think they are well done (early morning, the papers and books, the basic desire to sleep). that being said, the situation was not as clear as I would have liked. honestly, i don't even know who is doing the knocking, and that strikes me as being kind of important for this story. switching the characters makes for very different readings.
Written only for you to consider.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
07-28-2012, 05:19 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-28-2012, 05:35 PM by billy.)
It seems you broke the poems into singles. thanks, we we say one poem to a thread we mean one thread one poem in total followed by whatever feedback and discussion you get. ...please give some feedback to others if you want them to reply to your poems.
(07-26-2012, 10:19 PM)Katy Wrote: ***
Knocking at the door put space between the title and the poem. when you do one poem to a thread it's easy to see the title like this it looks like part of the poem and that it has no title.
In early morning
Is all about you
But not for me.
Some papers on the floor.
Some books for learning
And all is due…
I only want to sleep.
a poem about cramming?
been up all night and then they/he/she comes round and stops you sleeping.
i think the poem gets the story across in a good way. would it read better if the last line were on it's own?
(07-27-2012, 01:23 AM)Katy Wrote: To Sonnet not sure the title work, as it it looks like a line in the poem;
You are the sun of shady ancient times.
And magic breath of future tender days. starts off okay.
Your silly arms are deft and bitter vines.
Your rosy hails are ripe and tiny grapes. rosy hails confuses me
You are the candel - to begin the fire. - isn't needed
You are the moon – to bring somnambulism., an extra foot in the meter.
You need re fined and kindly hall – empire. doesn't make sense
And nothing more excepting this your needs.
Put sweet pre-human hands on my dark-had - again there seems to be a problem with the language
My easy holiday and my austere Monday.
Are you ideal? Are you, maybe, bed?
It’s all not right. And, also, nobody.
You are the core the life of min’s. The plot,
Amazing angel – my Forge-me-not.forget me not (t) you start off really well and line by line the syntax devolves until it's at a point where i can't follow what's being said. i'm guessing there may be a language problem as i can definitely see that this is meant to be a sonnet.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
07-29-2012, 07:27 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-29-2012, 07:27 AM by billy.)
best to write in the novice or mild feedback forums first (one poem at a time)
we have a great selection of poetry on the site; here
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(07-27-2012, 01:23 AM)Katy Wrote: To Sonnet Not sure what this structured opener means
You are the sun of shady ancient times.why shady sun? Unclear. Why cliche of "ancient times". Just misses "once upon a time"
And magic breath of future tender days.What is magic breath. This comes across as a little infantile in the o"ooooo, its magic" way.
Your silly arms are deft and bitter vines.Comletely nonsensical metaphor. Methinks wrong words afoot, portable????
Your rosy hails are ripe and tiny grapes.What is a rosy hail apart from a grape I mean?
You are the candel - to begin the fire.Candle
You are the moon – to bring somnambulism.You are not sure about the meaning of somnambulism but you like it.....shame you cannot bring it. Funny, but I used the word on this site about three weeks ago and it is popping up everywhere
You need re fined and kindly hall – empire.Nonsense line. Has no meaning
And nothing more excepting this your needs.excepting or accepting. Sentence structure very flaky
Put sweet pre-human hands on my dark-had - Nonsense line. Makes no sense. I cannot even guess at what you are trying to say. What is a "dark-had-" that something possessing a strictly human attribute (but is somehow pre-human) is fondling
My easy holiday and my austere Monday.Sounds as if it coul just mean something but not clear once considered
Are you ideal? Are you, maybe, bed?To bed, or not to bed, that is the parsnip
It’s all not right. And, also, nobody.I could not fail to disagree with this less (Boris but contrived). Again. Nonsense by any definition. What are you trying to say?
You are the core the life of min’s. The plot,
Amazing angel – my Forge-me-not.Ah well.....just the line I expected. I will forge you not in steel or bronze, but cardboard in my very pulp will marrow you in spring. OK
This needs work but I am retired.
***
All isn’t important.
Sorrow has no floor.
Love is the autumn,
And nothing more.
Look at the streets,
Their trees, their fires,
The leaves like the sweets…
Love – is the theme from Shakespare …
What else do I need?
Maybe, happiness. Or…?
Love is a crazy life speed
And, of course, nothing more.
penguin, thanks for your attention. Firstly I admit 'deff' is wrong, originally 'deft'. What about 2nd poems point (I've changed the order, it's 'All isn’t important') there're sound of three different leafs across lanes or thinking of melancholy person interrupted by unexpected autumn. What about 1st I don't understand well why.
Please forgive me if this sounds over-critical but I do not want to discourage you....is english your first language? If no, then I apologise for some of my more ascerbic comments. This IS in serious crit, though.
You would do yourself no dis-service by READING your work before pinning it up here. Even your responses to crit are worrying. "there're sound of three different leafs " . Are you saying "They are (they're) the sounds of three different leaves" ?
Best,
tectak
....not all is opinion, some things are truth.
(07-27-2012, 01:23 AM)Katy Wrote: To Sonnet Not sure what this structured opener means
You are the sun of shady ancient times.Why shady sun? Unclear. Why cliche of "ancient times". Just misses "once upon a time"
And magic breath of future tender days.What is magic breath. This comes across as a little infantile in the "Ooooo, its magic!" way.
Your silly arms are deft and bitter vines.Completely nonsensical metaphor. Methinks wrong words afoot, portable????
Your rosy hails are ripe and tiny grapes.What is a rosy hail apart from a grape I mean?
You are the candel - to begin the fire.Candle
You are the moon – to bring somnambulism.You are not sure about the meaning of somnambulism but you like it.....shame you cannot bring it. Funny, but I used the word on this site about three weeks ago and it is popping up everywhere
You need re fined and kindly hall – empire.Nonsense line. Has no meaning
And nothing more excepting this your needs.excepting or accepting. Sentence structure very flaky
Put sweet pre-human hands on my dark-had - Nonsense line. Makes no sense. I cannot even guess at what you are trying to say. What is a "dark-had-" that something possessing a strictly human attribute (but is somehow pre-human) is fondling
My easy holiday and my austere Monday.Sounds as if it could just mean something but not clear once considered
Are you ideal? Are you, maybe, bed?To bed, or not to bed, that is the parsnip
It’s all not right. And, also, nobody.I could not fail to disagree with this less (Boris but contrived). Again. Nonsense by any definition. What are you trying to say?
You are the core the life of min’s. The plot,
Amazing angel – my Forge-me-not.Ah well.....just the line I expected. I will forge you not in steel or bronze, but cardboard in my very pulp will marrow you in spring. OK
This needs work but I am retired.
***
All isn’t important.
Sorrow has no floor.
Love is the autumn,
And nothing more.
Look at the streets,
Their trees, their fires,
The leaves like the sweets…
Love – is the theme from Shakespare …
What else do I need?
Maybe, happiness. Or…?
Love is a crazy life speed
And, of course, nothing more.
penguin, thanks for your attention. Firstly I admit 'deff' is wrong, originally 'deft'. What about 2nd poems point (I've changed the order, it's 'All isn’t important') there're sound of three different leafs across lanes or thinking of melancholy person interrupted by unexpected autumn. What about 1st I don't understand well why.
[b]Please forgive me if this sounds over-critical but I do not want to discourage you....is english your first language? If no, then I apologise for some of my more ascerbic comments. This IS in serious crit, though.
You would do yourself no dis-service by READING your work before pinning it up here. Even your responses to crit are worrying. "there're sound of three different leafs " . Are you saying "They are (they're) the sounds of three different leaves" ?
Best,
tectak
....not all is opinion, some things are truth.
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