Lyrics, Linguistics, And Lexical Genius

[billy]

Hi Don Lambo.

great to see you posting poetry but if we were to give all the poems you posted serious crit or feedback it would take a long time
can you put them up one at a time please and that way people can concentrate on the job in hand. you'll find that because many people only have limited time for feedback they could get passed over. I'll give some feedback on the first poem in a short while.

---

I saw it written upon the wall cliche
Scratched in blood; sullen-red
Thin lines had dried; its tears did drip dripped instead of did drip
Down it’s words; what it said

She saw my passion turn obsession
And stood idly by
I examined the quote from a kneel
For his pain I did gently cry the wording sounds forced. (unatural)

Why did their love denote such hurt?
She was surely no average soul
And by its location it was clear
That love had taken an aching toll

I wept for loss, I wept for love
Impossible to rise above
The pall of passion in a lonely sky
The one whose words they were was I

i see the intro and have to ask if the serious crit is where you want to show them. the reason i ask is that critique given to personal poetry often gets an unwanted reaction from the poet .

one of the main problems with the piece is cliche. another is that it tries to overly poetical. it need more substance. use more images, show us what happened.

thanks for the read.