Virgin Girls

[Indie]

There is nothing quite like the thrill
Of doing something you’re not supposed to do
Hiding out in the back room of a Church
Getting lost in the heat emanating from
Another girl's lips, bodies pressed against each other
Static and electrified with wanting.

The preachers words a null and void buzz
A few rooms over. It’s all a meaningless hum
In the way her fingers wrap around my neck
To pull me closer, and the way she trembles
Ever so slightly as I run my fingers down her spine
Her breath catching as I provoke every tender nerve.

Footsteps in the hallway enough to startle
Mouths not an inch apart, as we wait
Breaths baited, tangled in each other’s limbs
For the opening of the door that never comes
Sighs of relief swallowed in mouths and tongues
To lose ourselves again in each other’s virgin promises.

And Jesus watches from a cross on the wall
Looking down at us, a silent voyeur to our passions
Two girls curled into each other, devouring each other
In a fire that no God could extinguish, or touch could sate
Secret smiles at the end of the service, bright-eyed
Like we’d felt the touch of God when nothing could be more untrue.

[billy]

have to go out, on first glance there seems to be a few clichés will give some solid feedback when i get back

[Indie]

Thanks Billy, that's why it's here. As much as I like it, I need some outside perspective on it.

[addy]

Have to agree with billy with this one, I'm afraid. Right now it's just going through the motions and comes off as a little bit cliche, especially the Catholic schoolgirls schtick. It's not that you can't go for that, but if you're working with a trope you have to give us something more. What else are you trying to say, to portray? (Could you perhaps parallel this with themes of femininity/ paganism as alluded to in your final stanza? Something like that, just throwing ideas around.)

I think it also got too involved in the details of the act, and in effect it became too much like narrative prose. You're not really trying to write a porn scene here... (in fact this is probably pretty tame stuff). So in this case less is more; just focus on a few of the best snatches of the action (choose the most striking ones), and that will ratchet up the illicitness of the scene better.

Thanks for the read

[Indie]

Thanks Addy. This is actually a true story, I wrote it as a recollection. I wanted to keep the innocence in there while still expressing the sexuality.

---

And also express the rebellion of that.

[Erthona]

Although clear and descriptive, the lines themselves read awkwardly, or inelegantly.

I would leave the last line as

"Like we’d felt the touch of God"

leaving off the

"when nothing could be more untrue."

Here is my rationale. There is nothing of future awareness in the piece, why interject it now like it is the moral at the end of a Hans Christian Andersen story, and your audience is to dumb to draw its own conclusions?

And yes it is cliche, which would probably not be a problem if this were a description in a novel, however if it is to be a poem it must be more than it currently is. It is the difference between snapping a Polaroid of you and your friend doing something goofy, and a Dutch Master's painting. One is obviously art, while the other is just as obviously not. A Polaroid simply lacks the necessary depth to be considered art. Even if you were to claim Imagism, this is too thoroughly imbued with sentimentalism to support such a claim. All that being said, just as I might enjoy a goofy Polaroid, I find delight in your description. Of course I find delight in a well cooked roast beef, but I do not mistake it for a poem.

Dale

[Indie]

Thank you Dale

[tectak]

There is nothing quite like the thrill as an opener it is probably a tad pedestrian but you would not know that unless you had read the rest of the piece. The opener does rather let the thing down in its not-so-subtle cliche. There must be a better opening gambit for this interesting cameo.
Of doing something you’re not supposed to do I know you are averse to the pollutant punctuation but it really would help if you gave it a chance. I read somewhere that this lack on your part was down to your short storywriting habits. I find this excuse nonsensical. Go to the back of the class
Hiding out in the back room of a Church
Getting lost in the heat emanating from
Another girl's lips, bodies pressed against each other
Static and electrified with wanting. but a fizzing stanza! Literary pornography is an old art but handled deftly is always fresh. You have done a good job on this. I liked the "static and electrified" more for what it failed to communicate than what it did. Just the common understanding of the words added to the raw, uncomplicated passion. This is "basic instinct" stuff and you got enough of both.

The preachers words a null and void buzz apostrophe preachers but kill the cliche of this line.
A few rooms over. It’s all a meaningless hum cliche warning again. Maybe a cold and calculating rewording of this stanza would help. You do not have to write about passion with passion.....though it usually, but not always, helps. Passion causes runaway writing. Precision is the rein which turns the beast around
In the way her fingers wrap around my neck
To pull me closer, and the way she trembles
Ever so slightly as I run my fingers down her spine
Her breath catching as I provoke every tender nerve. "fingers down her spine" is probably a hole in the ground. Cliches as common as this are sometimes hard to avoid because they are so apt, and into the hole we plummet. It's not that we are accident prone...it is because we are not looking where we are going. If you think this is pompous you should know that I fall into this particular hole on a daily basis. See.... I've done it again.

Footsteps in the hallway enough to startle enough is too much
Mouths not an inch apart, as we wait
Breaths baited, tangled in each other’s limbs sorry, but those cliches keep coming errrrr.......thick and fast
For the opening of the door that never comes
Sighs of relief swallowed in mouths and tongues
To lose ourselves again in each other’s virgin promises.

And Jesus watches from a cross on the wall
Looking down at us, a silent voyeur to our passions
Two girls curled into each other, devouring each other
In a fire that no God could extinguish, or touch could sate sate is the wrong word
Secret smiles at the end of the service, bright-eyed
Like we’d felt the touch of God when nothing could be more untrue. "like we'd felt the..." is one of your trademarks. It may be that you will dig your heels in on this but "like" usually means fungible in that you should be comparing commodities which have some characteristics of equal value. Better would be "looking as though we'd felt the touch of God"

Yes. Like.
Best,
Tectak

[Indie]

Thanks Tectak , this is useful, I'll have a better look at it when I'm not so tired, but I get your points.

My punctuation seems to be up for debate, with some saying I need less and some saying I need more. My over-punctuation is possibly a bad habit from my story writing days, not my lack of it. Cutting back on punctuation is a pretty recent thing for me. My punctuation may very well be confused at the moment, it's a work in progress.

Thanks again.

[tectak]

Thanks Tectak , this is useful, I'll have a better look at it when I'm not so tired, but I get your points.

My punctuation seems to be up for debate, with some saying I need less and some saying I need more. My over-punctuation is possibly a bad habit from my story writing days, not my lack of it. Cutting back on punctuation is a pretty recent thing for me. My punctuation may very well be confused at the moment, it's a work in progress.

Thanks again.

Hi indie,
This punctuation thing. It is not a question of more or less as though sticking in superflous colon was an option purely to satisfy the more-sayers, or eliminating the comma to appease the less-sayers was the answer.
Punctuation is only an option if you wish to be quirky or are an ad-writer for pimple removal gel. The right "amount" of punctuation is the "correct" amount. Patronising owld git!!!! I know that you know this so sorry in advance for this egg sucking demo.

Best:;;;:,,,,'::tectak,..::;;;; ( here's some to be going on with. I have no need for them)

[billy]

There is nothing quite like the thrill it opens with a cliche
Of doing something you’re not supposed to do the 1st two lines feel weak.
Hiding out in the back room of a Church
Getting lost in the heat emanating from the enjambment feels off
Another girl's lips, bodies pressed against each other
Static and electrified with wanting.

The preachers words a null and void buzz
A few rooms over. It’s all a meaningless hum
In the way her fingers wrap around my neck
To pull me closer, and the way she trembles
Ever so slightly as I run my fingers down her spine
Her breath catching as I provoke every tender nerve. more or less the verse is an extended cliche. though the 1st line works well

Footsteps in the hallway enough to startle
Mouths not an inch apart, as we wait
Breaths baited, tangled in each other’s limbs
For the opening of the door that never comes
Sighs of relief swallowed in mouths and tongues
To lose ourselves again in each other’s virgin promises.

And Jesus watches from a cross on the wall good image
Looking down at us, a silent voyeur to our passions
Two girls curled into each other, devouring each other
In a fire that no God could extinguish, or touch could sate
Secret smiles at the end of the service, bright-eyed
Like we’d felt the touch of God when nothing could be more untrue.

i think the poem is too weak, and too cliche indie. you need to weed out most of the cliché and replace them with strong original images. make me want the both of you, make me a voyeur. no need to shock just to make it feel new. i think you need to do a strong edit.

[Indie]

Thank you Billy. I'll tackle it in the morning, when I've had some sleep.

Indie

[Touchstone]

I don't think the clichés should simply be dismissed out of hand. They add to the impression that the poem has been written by a young girl at the time of the event rather than by an adult recalling an event from their past (or an event they've witnessed). Removing the clichés might make it "better" but it will also change its very nature.

[billy]

nothing should ever be removed out of hand. the thing is a poem isn't a journal and when a poem is cliche heavy it becomes the same as all the rest of seemingly young girl written poems. i think keeping a couple (at most,) of the half decent clichés would still impart a naivety of youth. the very title works in showing it

[Indie]

I get where everyone is coming from. This is going to be a hard edit, might take me a while to get it up. Lot's to think about.