Father's Day

[Philatone]

V. 2
multiple changes...

The Phone Call on Father's Day
that sent you
into the bathroom
to turn on the water
has died, leaving us
separated
by running echoes.

Here we are,
our cards fallen on the mantel,
with nothing to say;

no words
to slack a fastened lock
or sliver through
a round keyhole,

no door to open grandfather's room
in Cleveland, where a bed
lifted with the last drop of breath,
and the news
fills telephone lines.

When the water stops,
mother orders me to dust his photograph
with a rag that cannot take away
the cane that waited
at his side, or how his hair
had become so grey

as memories
that spill from a faucet
with steam too considerate
to hide your reflection.




--------------------------------


Original

Father's Day

the phone call
that sent you
into the bathroom
and turned on the water
has died, leaving us
separated by echoes
of a tub and bolted door.

Here we are,
our plates being washed at a restaurant,
our cards fallen on the counter,
with nothing to say;

no words
to break a fastened lock
or sliver through
a round keyhole

until mother orders me
to dust grandfather's photograph
with a rag that cannot take away
the cane that waited
at his side, or how grey
his hair had become;

grey as memories
that spill from a faucet
with steam too considerate
to hide your reflection.

[tectak]

the phone call
that sent you
into the bathroom
and turned on the water
has died, leaving us
separated by echoes
of a tub and bolted door.
The same questions are asked.Why NOT start with a capital? It is almost as though you are trying to detract from meaning and distract from any other line of constructive criticism. It is your work and your choice.
So...this first stanza. Short lines are too fragmentory for the content. The connectivity is vital in imaging thoughts, far more than when describing objects. A list will suffice for the latter...a paragraph is required for the former.
I can tell immediately that you are wracked with concept. This stanza is a thought bubble of meaning for you.....but what about the reader. A phone call can certainly be instigatory. This phone call sent your character into the bathroom...and (he) turned on the water. Yes, c'est possible.....but then died. Not nonsense but nonsensical. I am very much drawn into the piece by possibilty then the rope that pulls me along is suddenly cut. What does it mean? Think man,think...no, I am just not up to the task. So I move on, unfullfilled and irritated by my lack of understanding. And on father's day, too
Here we are, from now on to the end, YIKES! I am giving up on this critic thing.....wha? Wh? I do not understand what this is saying. Apologies in advance to moderators and other interested parties. The water through the elephant has dusted my hubcaps for the last grubby ferrule. Say no more.
our plates being washed at a restaurant,
our cards fallen on the counter,
with nothing to say;

no words
to break a fastened lock
or sliver through
a round keyhole

until mother orders me
to dust grandfather's photograph
with a rag that cannot take away
the cane that waited
at his side, or how grey
his hair had become;

grey as memories
that spill from a faucet
with steam too considerate
to hide your reflection.

[billy]

to say what you feel is okay, as long as it's about the poem which this is.
thick skin is a requirement here. as long as something isn't said out of malice about a poem we the poet cannot complain
don't stop giving your thoughts tecktak. the feedback was a little harsh but honest ( my view)

---

the phone call i do agree that a Cap would look better seeing that you use grammar rules elsewhere in the poem (and caps). (just a nit)
that sent you
into the bathroom
and turned on the water
has died, leaving us
separated by echoes
of a tub and bolted door. i really like how this stanza sets the piece up

Here we are,
our plates being washed at a restaurant,
our cards fallen on the counter,
with nothing to say; the move seems too great though i'm sure the title plays it's part in making it understood, it does for me, another good stanza

no words
to break a fastened lock
or sliver through
a round keyhole for me this would have made a better 2nd stanza

until mother orders meanother disjoint that feels a bit to wide.
to dust grandfather's photograph
with a rag that cannot take away
the cane that waited
at his side, or how grey
his hair had become;

grey as memories
that spill from a faucet
with steam too considerate
to hide your reflection. i like this stanza because it keeps dad alive somehow.

i can't really fault the poem as it is. it reads well and has something that pulls me in. that said i'd like to see it expanded upon, specially the phone-call.

for me you have lots and lots in here that i like. i would like to see a bit of stanza rearranging but thats jmo. i do think if you do an edit you could flesh it out a bit.

as for the layout, i'm okay with the shorter lines.

thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Hi Philatone,

Interesting scene. My interpretation may be off, but I'll share my thoughts with you about the poem:

the phone call--This is a very debatable point, and I'm not even saying it's more correct than the choice you made. The way I read this poem though Father's Day provides the context (it is in a way the bomb) and "the phone call" is the fuse that lights that bomb. This could again just be my own sensibilities but I'd be tempted to see you alter the title to take into account both expositional elements (something like: "The Phone Call on Father's Day") and then move directly to a more action oriented line two.
that sent you
into the bathroom
and turned on the water--should this be "to turn on the water" otherwise it sounds like the phone call is turning the water on
has died, leaving us--great line, and great lead up to the next two lines
separated by echoes
of a tub and bolted door.--while the person doesn't have to be dead these last few lines point to the separation of death. There is a part of me that would like to see you rework the line order to end on separated by echoes (I realize that's tough with how you've fixed the tub in the scene, but it would hang more powerfully at the end of the strophe). This echoes idea also resonates with your later comments on the memories and the photograph. It's about what remains when there aren't words but there is still connection. You may even want to consider pushing the idea more throughout the poem--that said, these things don't always work if forced too much and I think your balance of them is pretty good right now.

Now, in a broader sense presumably the "father" behind the door has received a call that has shaken them (one imagines an estranged child)...As the time progresses in the poem they may be dead or simply unwilling to exit the room--I'm undecided from the text.

Here we are,
our plates being washed at a restaurant,--The restaurant shifts things a bit. If the family left the father at home, he is presumably alive. It does take away some of the tension that being in the same home as the father would bring. Even if it's true to an actual narrrative, I'd be tempted to keep the action in one setting to maintain that tension.
our cards fallen on the counter,--Fallen might work here if we are personifying that the cards are striken in a way. As they are presumably still in envelopes unopened, it may be too strong of a word choice--again debatable. Counter seems a little off too. Is this a bar in the restaurant? It gives the sense of a diner to me. It could just be me.
with nothing to say;

no words
to break a fastened lock--Is fastened really necessary when we know the bolt has been thrown. I realize it sort of balances the phrasing with round keyhole. My problem is that it seems too much of a filler word for what it brings to the poem
or sliver through
a round keyhole--Here's where we can look at the locked door as a metaphor for the father's emotional distance from the family.

until mother orders me
to dust grandfather's photograph
with a rag that cannot take away
the cane that waited
at his side, or how grey
his hair had become;--This is a really cool idea of wiping away the years and the infirmities. I wonder if you'd consider rephrasing the last two lines so that you didn't need the repetion of grey in the next strophe. ...or how his hair
had become grey

as memories...

grey as memories
that spill from a faucet
with steam too considerate
to hide your reflection.--Poignant solid ending.

I enjoyed the read. I hope my comments will be helpful to you in some way.

Best,

Todd

[Philatone]

thanks for the feedback all
hopefully, the edit, clears some things (I certainly understand it was more cryptic than I intended) and adjusts the organization for the better. in terms of lines, I think i'll keep them short for now.
really found all of the suggestions useful, and hope they have yielded a stronger result. billy, I hope the addition of a stanza makes the order of the poem stronger, as well as the changes I made to some of the starting lines, though I'm not sure they are enough.

todd- I want the father alive in the piece and hope that succeeds a little better now. I think fastened works better now without the mentioning of the door in the 1st stanza. also, I think fallen may work better now as well, as I would like to save it if possible. I did add a second setting, but I think that it contributes to the whole.

tec- i'm working on the piece, though I'm not sure it's getting closer to a form that you would like to see. i hope that the confusion lessens as the read goes to the finish, though perhaps it is still too vague/ unrevealing

[Todd]

This addition:

no door to open grandfather's room
in Cleveland, where a bed
lifted with the last drop of breath,
and the news
fills telephone lines.


brought a lot of clarity. We know what the call was about. It also adds a nuance to reflection at the end the child a reflection of the father.

Effective changes. Solid rewrite.

[tectak]

thanks for the feedback all
hopefully, the edit, clears some things (I certainly understand it was more cryptic than I intended) and adjusts the organization for the better. in terms of lines, I think i'll keep them short for now.
really found all of the suggestions useful, and hope they have yielded a stronger result. billy, I hope the addition of a stanza makes the order of the poem stronger, as well as the changes I made to some of the starting lines, though I'm not sure they are enough.

todd- I want the father alive in the piece and hope that succeeds a little better now. I think fastened works better now without the mentioning of theoor in the 1st stanza. also, I think fallen may work better now as well, as I would like to save it if possible. I did add a second setting, but I think that it contributes to the whole.

tec- i'm working on the piece, though I'm not sure it's getting closer to a form that you would like to see. i hope that the confusion lessens as the read goes to the finish, though perhaps it is still too vague/ unrevealing

Hi philatone,
I think I am coming across as dismissive of your work, which is diametrically the opposite of what I am about. You choose cerebral and intricate concepts and this requires that your methodology goes one of two ways. You either write in a way which minimises the complexity so as to exemplify your own domination of your subject or you make a decision to put thoughts to paper as they come to you.
Which way you go is entirely up to you, of course. Minimising the complexity is an editorial task which removes confusion, yes, but also permits a criticism which is based upon that difficult to measure commodity...quality. To write freely is laudible but the job of the critic, as I see it, is then to INTERPRET the work and this is where I feel that my criticism is probably invalid as the more obscure the work the more subjective the criticism.
I ask for punctuation as an easy first step to clarity. Next is intent of meaning by the logical use of tense and structured relationship of subject to object. Finally, and this is where I really let myself down, is in the persistent establishment of serial chronology throughout the piece. So....I may be asking for too much but over many years I have endured criticism essentially in these three areas....amongst others
Write on, the v2 is excellent.
Best,
Tectak

[billy]

the edit feels to me to have a more direct line from a to b.

that first line now sets the scene. it's all about you...not him. everything else you wrote in the edit now fits into place.
i was presuming dad was physically dead, (suicided even)

nice edit phil.
it's actually geoff isn't it

[Philatone]

tec
usually, I do try to minimize complexity, though at times it seems that goal is not always achieved. I guess any writing could be interpreted as writing freely, but that is actually rarely my goal as the phrases I actually put to paper take a rather depressing toll on me in trying to find the exact words I desire. I feel as though writing freely would be more about accepting an idea a little more liberally than I allow myself to do. Of course, how the end result appears could suggest the opposite; the reader only guesses at the process by judging the result, and if it seems like its written a certain way, well that is going to affect the piece. I do appreciate anything you bring to my table as it brings me items to ponder. thanks for the kind words on V2

billy
yeah, I realized that it could certainly be taken in a suicide direction, so I'm glad that it's clearer (especially in that regard!).
and it is whatever you prefer, billy; i'm honored just to have a name
thanks for the repeated visits/ time