Daphne

[heslopian]

Daphne was afraid of sex
but not solitude.
How many years must she have stood
overlooking small creatures?
Did lovers carve their names in her,
causing agony?
Apollo's penis terrified her.
As though it were an axe
she ran through the woods.
Her fingers sprouted greenery,
her vagina was enclosed by bark,
all of her yellow hairs vanished
and were replaced by laurel leaves.
Apollo's love became courtly.
No penetration, grunting, sperm
troubled her hide-and-seek soul.

I can empathise, Daphne.
When you cried to be saved,
and took root in the earth,
the passage of time
couldn't be comprehended.
If it could would you have stopped,
clenched your teeth and braced yourself
against Apollo's shaft? His sex
wounding yours, fist through stone.
Would a secret lock have broken
following the pain, justifying it?
Would you have come, and wanted to again?
Your fear is mine as well.
I envy your restraint. Your chastity's dam.

My buttocks is your vagina.
I tremble at the thought of it
smashed and ruined by a man whose touch
I couldn't fight, his breath on my back
and his hands round my waist.
But you could fight. I want to be loved.


Apollo and Daphne, a life-sized marble sculpture by Italian artist Gian Lorenzo Bernini (1598 - 1680)

[addy]

I really like your take on this, Jack; your opening line was blunt, and it allowed me to shed preconceptions on what I was about to read (given that the myth is familiar) and let it wash over me as something new. The larger than life drama suddenly seems very, very fragile and human.

i don't really know how much feedback you're looking for in this . The main thing I can suggest is to get rid of the first line of the third stanza; the metaphor between the narrator/daphne is very much obvious already, so it seems superfluous. Everything else is just a minor nit.

[heslopian]

About as much feedback as I'd receive if this were in serious critique. Thanks, Addy

[grannyjill]

Hi Hes, may I offer a simple reaction critique? (the technical stuff I will leave to others)

This shocked me. Not because I'm prudish but because of the way you have blasted aside all the love poems of the Shakespearen sonnet ilk. You're telling it like it is. I'm not sure I actually believe in love, and I certainly have never felt an affinity with those who wax lyrical about it.

The last verse served to complete the annihilation of 'pure' love as depicted in the sonnets and showed the brutality of where 'love' can lead.

I didn't 'enjoy' reading this...but, I'm glad that I did.

(

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback, grannyjill I'm not sure what kind of reaction I was trying to evoke, but that yours was so strong is pleasing. If there's one reaction I don't want to evoke, it's "meh"

[popeye]

Sorry I can't help you much on the technical side of things either Jack, but I enjoy your words as they as they have a certain honesty which appeals to me, keep up the good work champ, cheers.

[heslopian]

Thanks for your kind words, jiminy

[billy]

i thought the last verse very poignant. it has that honest feel about it wich makes it more so.

there are parts i think could be removed without losing anything, (small phrases etc)
for me the first two would be stronger if told how you (the 1st person) saw her, instead of telling us.

instead of ;
Daphne was afraid of sex
but not solitude.


Daphne, afraid of sex
not of solitude.
How many years must she have stood
overlooking small creatures?
overs carved their names in her,
causing agony?
Apollo's penis terrified her.
it was an axe

just an example of what i meant though it is only a suggestion for you to think about. my thought is to take the you out of it till the comparison in the last verse. jmo.

i did like the rawness of the poem and it's integrity to what feels like a comparison of self. the art work is superb,

thanks for the read.

[Erthona]

I like the idea of “lovers carve their names in her.” It seems so ironically apropos.

This sentence/sentences could use some work.

“Apollo's penis terrified her.
As though it were an axe
she ran through the woods.”

Regardless, whether one or two sentences this could use some work grammatically and syntactically. Maybe something like

“Terrified, she ran through the woods,
fleeing the penis of Apollo,
as though it were an ax,
and she already a rhododendron tree.”

Moving on, maybe a connecting line next:

She prayed to the gods to help her flee,
“Her fingers sprouted greenery,
her vagina was enclosed by bark…”

I think I would drop these last two lines as they seem gratuitous and do not really add anything, except to beat a horse already dead.

“No penetration, grunting, sperm
troubled her hide-and-seek soul.”

Your second section could also use some minor grammatical tightening in places.

“When you cried to be saved,
and took root in the earth,
the passage of time
couldn't be comprehended.”

Just sort of an awkward sentence. I think you at least need a conjunction or a semi-colon after “earth” to connect the dependant clause to the rest of the sentence.

“If it could would you have stopped”

A comma after could would be in order, or maybe even an em dash.

“His sex wounding yours, fist through stone.”

Two unconnected dependant clauses.

“Would you have come, and wanted to again?”
“Would you have come, and then wanted to come again?

“Your fear is mine as well.”
Your fear is mine.

I want to ask, as well as what? Is it pain? Then
“Your fear is mine as well” as your pain.

“Your chastity's dam.” dependant clause

Tense agreement (not major, but awkward as it relates to the later passage)
“I tremble (present tense)at the thought of it (comma) smashed and ruined by a man whose touch I couldn't fight (past) ”

“But you could fight. I want to be loved.”
“You fought. I want to be loved.

I can’t fight….but you fought.
I want to be loved.

I’m all for brevity, but at times you seem to want to take out more than can be justified grammatically, creating unintended ambiguity and unnecessary lack of clarity, .

Sorry, I’m being so brief in my explanation of some of these things, but I am a bit pressed for time. What I have pointed out, I do not do so because it is ungrammatical per se, but because it disturbs the reading and keeps one from staying immersed in the work. I am perfectly fine with writing being ungrammatical as long as it works. Regardless, overall I like the idea you are working with here. I think there is also the possibility for the exploration of nature versus rationality, as we still very much force nature to do our bidding, although nature seems to be in the process of rebelling. You have helped very much to update what was a very anti-feminist sort of story. Apollo gets off very light in the original, here you are showing it for the rape that it is. Personally, I think Apollo should get it in the end, as he is such an insufferable bastard, it would only be fair that Eros' bow should bring him low!

Dale

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback, Billy and Erthona
Are you suggesting I make the opening two verses more objective, Billy? Remove any hint of personal perspective and make them more matter-of-fact?
My grasp of dependant clauses has always been somewhat shaky - I often use individual sentences to seperate them - so thanks for your help regarding those, Erthona.

[billy]

yeah until the last verse. for me the juxtaposition would be much stronger.