The Coming of the Magi

[Leanne]

Revision 28/12/11

Oh mother, where’s your little girl now?
Golden brown beneath an incandescent
sun, shiver swung from electric noose
as God speaks through the terrier next door,
ratcatcher yelps and hard biscuit yawns.

Christmas carries sex upon its breath, sackfuls of
naughty whisper ice is nicest when it’s
free. Note the catch and kiss of missed and may
be shush, there’s good, let’s spoon it up.

Mother waits with empty boxes every year,
Pandora’s treasure passing by
on ragged wings -- those she wore that day when
promise wandered westward, folio in hand. Now the tree
stands bare, shedding needles on the floor.

Can you hear the bells? All is well.
Celebrate. The world rejoices in glorious rebuke.
What is one star, when a galaxy is alight?


Original version

Oh mother, where’s your little girl now?
golden brown beneath an incandescent
sun, shiver swung from electric noose as God
laughs like the terrier next door, ratcatcher yelps
and hard biscuit yawns.

Christmas carries sex upon its breath, sackfuls of
naughty whisper ice is nicest when it’s
free. Note the catch and kiss of missed and may
be shush, there’s good, let’s spoon it up.

Mother waits with empty boxes
every year, Pandora’s treasure passing by on ragged
wings -- those she wore that day when promise
wandered westward, folio in hand. Now the tree
stands bare, shedding needles on the floor.

Can you hear the bells? All is well.
Celebrate. The world rejoices in glorious rebuke.
What is one star, when a galaxy is alight?

[grannyjill]

As always, I am stumped. But, I tell you what there is some lovely, tasty phrases in this which are a delight to read. eg 'naughty whisper ice is nicest'...'note the catch and kiss of missed' (which I thought was going to be 'kiss of mistletoe') and some great imagery (dog description)

.....so, for now, I am savouring the sound....the meaning I can leave until later.

Edit - by meaning, I refer to the whole poem (bits I do get - are you the golden brown girl in Australia?)

[heslopian]

Oh mother, where’s your little girl now? This line has an oddly menacing tone to it. I don't know if that was intentional.
golden brown beneath an incandescent "Golden" should be capitalised.
sun, shiver swung from electric noose as God I like the "electric noose."
laughs like the terrier next door, Excellent simile. ratcatcher yelps
and hard biscuit yawns. Is the "hard biscuit" a metaphor for something?

Christmas carries sex upon its breath, sackfuls of
naughty whisper ice is nicest when it’s As you're talking about "sackfuls" of ice should "it's" be "they're"?
free. Note the catch and kiss of missed and may Dashes between "may," "be" and "shush" might help the syntax.
be shush, there’s good, let’s spoon it up.

Mother waits with empty boxes
every year, Pandora’s treasure passing by on ragged
wings -- those she wore that day when promise
wandered westward, folio in hand. I like this image. It makes "promise" seem like a sharp-suited businessman, an image which carries its own implications. Now the tree
stands bare, shedding needles on the floor. If the tree's bare how can it still be shedding needles?

Can you hear the bells? All is well.
Celebrate. The world rejoices in glorious rebuke.
What is one star, when a galaxy is alight? Great final line.

All feedback JMHO of course. Thanks for the read, Leanne.

[Leanne]

Thanks guys. Maybe it helps if I mention that "golden brown" is a euphemism for heroin and it's the folio of an actress -- that should answer most of your questions.

[grannyjill]

Damn me, the only bit I thought I understood is shredded before my eyes.

Back to the drawing board. When I'm less tired (2 hour's ironing takes it out of one) I shall return to peruse (or pursue)this verse again...why don't we spell that 'persue'?...I always have doubts when I write it with a 'u'?

[Leanne]

Damn me, the only bit I thought I understood is shredded before my eyes.

Sorry about that

You'll find that very few of my poems will ever be about me.

[addy]

One of your most emotionally-wrenching pieces, Leanne. What a great piece.

Oh mother, where’s your little girl now?
golden brown beneath an incandescent
sun, shiver swung from electric noose as God I love love love incandescent sun and electric noose, it colours the harsh reality this scene paints into something dreamy; perfect breaks at "incandescent" and "God", teasing the metaphors
laughs like the terrier next door, ratcatcher yelps hmm, "God laughs"... I like it, but I wonder if you could be more adventurous with the sound, to play up the wrongness/disjoint. Just a very, very minor comment though, I actually rather like it even as is.
and hard biscuit yawns.

Christmas carries sex upon its breath, sackfuls of
naughty whisper ice is nicest when it’s
free. Note the catch and kiss of missed and may
be shush, there’s good, let’s spoon it up. Nicely balanced. Like that you resisted using "Santa" as that would've changed your tone to something more ham-handed

Mother waits with empty boxes
every year, Pandora’s treasure passing by on ragged
wings -- those she wore that day when promise
wandered westward, folio in hand. Now the tree
stands bare, shedding needles on the floor.

Can you hear the bells? All is well.
Celebrate. The world rejoices in glorious rebuke.
What is one star, when a galaxy is alight? This is an incredibly beautiful line. In context, it is so painful and hopeless. You really know how to pack a wallop

[Leanne]

Addy, thank you! Do you have a suggestion for replacing "laughs", or that whole line? I'm totally up for it

[Philatone]

Hey Leanne! nice to see a Christmas spirited one, regardless of how bright or dark. I think it's windy because a lot rushed over my head, but I'll let you know what I got

Oh mother, where’s your little girl now?
golden brown beneath an incandescent
sun, shiver swung from electric noose as God ..striking image
laughs like the terrier next door, ratcatcher yelps
and hard biscuit yawns. ...more a sidenote than anything: I wanted this to be another question posed by the speaker, rather than a statement, on my first reading. agree with addy on the enjambment here, wonderfully done, especially the break on "God". Also agree on the "laughs"--I think, while great as is, another verb could send it to another level. The ratcatcher and biscuits did lose me, however

Christmas carries sex upon its breath, sackfuls of
naughty whisper ice is nicest when it’s
free. Note the catch and kiss of missed and may
be shush, there’s good, let’s spoon it up. ... this stanza struck me as the most cryptic, particularly the middle two lines. The first line I thought was great and creative. "Ice" can just have so many meanings...the "may be shush" is the most confusing for me

Mother waits with empty boxes
every year, Pandora’s treasure passing by on ragged ..enjoyed these opening two lines
wings -- those she wore that day when promise
wandered westward, folio in hand. Now the tree "wandered westward" is beautiful
stands bare, shedding needles on the floor. "bare" I took as missing ornaments. the tree image adds so much to the poem

Can you hear the bells? All is well.
Celebrate. The world rejoices in glorious rebuke.
What is one star, when a galaxy is alight? ...deceptive little line making for a great close. for an image so bright, it's so dark.

My interpretations of this have sent me everywhere until I settled on the darkest, and that seems also to be the most fitting because it clears up a number of the questions I had on first reading. of course, some still remain.

[Aish]

Oh mother, where’s your little girl now?
golden brown beneath an incandescent
sun, shiver swung from electric noose as God 'sun, shiver swung' is beautifully alliterative, and 'electric noose' gave me a little thrill when I read it.
laughs like the terrier next door, ratcatcher yelps
and hard biscuit yawns.

Christmas carries sex upon its breath, sackfuls of 'Christmas carries sex upon its breath' ok, aside from the pagan origins and ritualistic overtones this carries, when taken alongside the first strophe I am really getting the feeling of drug induced self deprecating debauchery here.
naughty whisper ice is nicest when it’s 'naughty whisper ice is nicest when it’s free.' How many spirals of destruction are we staring down? breath/whisper/naughty/nice/ice - you really have outdone yourself with the juxtapositions and intimations.
free. Note the catch and kiss of missed and may
be shush, there’s good, let’s spoon it up.

Mother waits with empty boxes
every year, Pandora’s treasure passing by on ragged Here again you have woven Pandora's box with gifts, the veritable yin and yang of broken mythology and the dirty underbelly of a broken human psyche.
wings -- those she wore that day when promise
wandered westward, folio in hand. Now the tree 'when promise wandered westward' - tied in again with a barren image that is also 'bare' i.e. not only denuded but also bluntly impoverished.
stands bare, shedding needles on the floor.

Can you hear the bells? All is well. Tangible physical element, the exterior is bright and pretty for all to see.
Celebrate. The world rejoices in glorious rebuke. Fave line - juicy and trenchant.
What is one star, when a galaxy is alight? This smacks of duality for me.

Leanne, this is quite a well crafted shard of brokenness. You have made me uncomfortable and happy all at once, you brilliant minx!

[rbl]

I love the line "Christmas carries sex upon its breath" and the bare tree image worked for me too.

The overall theme I took away was that of rebellion (the coming of Magi), and celebration. I could relate to this.....I liked reading it aloud to hear the different sounds.

[Erthona]

This seems quite cynical, if not sardonic, almost to the point of nihilism, which I of course quiet enjoy. Also some nice interline and incidental rhyme. Not so wild about the lineation, but I suppose you have your reason.
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Not sure why "golden" is not capped. "Golden brown" is a pretty obscure reference. I worked drug and alcohol treatment for 20 years and I never heard that used, I've heard black tar, china white, dust, horse, H, smack, junk, Mexican mud, scag, shit. I know it is used in some song, but that is the only place I have heard it. Golden, as in the golden triangle north of Thailand is called that because of the opium, and opium is somewhat golden/yellowish in color. Heroin is synthesized from morphine, which is a derivative of opium. To me it is a stretch to say that "golden brown" is a euphemism for heroin. Mescalin or opium I could see but heroin?
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I don't know if God is going to do something like a terrier, shouldn't it be something like "God barks amusingly like..." or any of those dog sounds. Kind of a difficult metaphor to pull off if you ask me. Dogs just don't have the cynical or meanness that seems to be required here. More like God cackles in amusement like Nero as the Christian is torn to pieces by the lion. Of course that may not be the impression you are going for, it's just how it seemed to me. I get the idea of like "Yeah, got her!" Ha!
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Maybe it's because Winehouse died recently, but this reminds me of Billy Holiday. I guess the answer, at least within the context (not necessarily mine) is the parable of the lost lamb and the good Shepard. Not many how many stars there are, all are unique and precious.

" Little Lamb, who made thee
Does thou know who made thee
Gave thee life & bid thee feed.
By the stream & o'er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing woolly bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice.
Making all the vales rejoice:"

excerpt William Blake "The Lamb"
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Maybe I am being dense, but I would mind a little more clarity here.

Overall a nice Anti-Christmas poem, or poem about the hypocrisy of religion, or man's inhumanity to man?

You'll have to tell me.

Dale

[Leanne]

Thanks to everyone, I will take it all under advisement and revise when I've got a bit more time to spare

[Leanne]

OK, I've addressed the terrier part and maybe that's more comprehensible now -- maybe not . I've also changed some of the lineation.

Dale, on "golden brown" -- I wanted to use a romanticised euphemism, not a street term. "Golden brown" is almost always used by people who think, in some weird way, that heroin is a cool thing -- although it's possible the term is used more here and in the UK than in the USA. I also wanted to throw in a couple of song references, so there's that one and "R(ice) is nice(st)", because the music/television industry is just as addictive as heroin (you could probably call the lure of showbusiness a "gateway drug") and it's an impediment to the "normal" progression of growing up, getting married, having a family etc.

Anyway, have done some stuff, might work, might not :p

[Philatone]

the terrier bit lost some flavor for me in the edit. also, personal preference, I liked the original third stanza's spacing a bit more; however, it could just be my reluctance for it to change? If anything, I think the "every year" works well in the first line, if I have to give some particulars