Pearl:

[billy]

Edit 1

I saw the prancing horses die at water's edge.
With manes that tossed, they made me cry at water's edge.

I left my limpid tears, a sob to soak the sand.
A flooded ocean by and by, at water's edge.

The wind: I loved the salty spray it lifted high.
I closed my eyes, became the sky at water's edge.

When sulky clouds, through bellows, blow among the waves.
A tremor from the sea, a sigh at water's edge.

Arizona! Rest at peace below the thoughts of men.
Of battleships beneath, that fly the water's edge.

Original

I saw the prancing horses die at waters edge.
With manes that tossed, they made me cry at water's edge.

And left my crystal tears, a sob to soak the sand.
To flood the ocean by and by, at water's edge.

The wind; I loved the salty spray it lifted high.
I closed my eyes, became the sky at water's edge.

When sulky clouds, through bellows, blow among the waves.
The tremor from the sea, a sigh at water's edge.

Arizona! Rest at peace below the thoughts of men.
Of battleships beneath, that fly the water's edge.

---

after lots of looking at it i think ar/i/zo/na is trochee,followed by a spondee, but i do like it and the 11 syls in line. I contemplated taking AA's advice for the penultimate line, (thanks AA) but for the time being want to leave as is because i'm not stumling with it and i can't think of a better warship for pearl harbour than the Arizona. thanks to all for the feedback (it will get a solid edit in due time as it should

[Wildcard]

Hi Billy,
   A ghazal! And it is so well done too. I had a hard time writing one of these, but you have written two good ones that I've seen. Way to be dedicated, I haven't even tried again yet.

I saw the prancing horses die at waters edge.
With manes that tossed , they made me cry at water's edge.

And left my crystal tears, a sob to soak the sand.
To flood the ocean by and by, at water's edge.

The wind; I loved the salty spray it lifted high.
I closed my eyes, became the sky at water's edge.

When sulky clouds, through bellows, blow among the waves.
The tremor from the sea, a sigh at water's edge.

Arizona! Rest at peace below the thoughts of men. --this is the only line where the meter changes. 'AR-i-ZONa! REST at PEACE beLOW the THOUGHTS of MEN.' I count seven stresses. to make it the same as the rest might look like: 'Oh, Arizona! Rest below the thoughts of men.' Of course you would lose 'at peace' which I like a lot. If you do start it Trochaic, you would have to compensate with an extra unstressed syllable, but 'Arizona' is set up in iambic stresses, so there wouldn't be an opportunity to 'insert' like : 'DUM da da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM' so that there remains six stresses in the line. And keep in mind that I may have it all wrong too :p
Of battleships beneath, that fly the water's edge.

Other than the one line, I really liked all of it. Great job, Billy. Thanks for sharing.

[Philatone]

Billy,

Your choice of words really brought a vivid images to mind. The repetition of the form ("at water's edge") first struck me as being very similar to the continuous crashing of waves against a shore-it really worked for me in setting the atmosphere.

"I closed my eyes, became the sky at water's edge."

What I'm going to say may not make sense, but this line reminded me of the line between an ocean and the horizon. The reason that is important to me is because it almost makes me feel that by becoming the sky at this position, you also almost become a part of the water and therefore the whole area. Now, I probably took that way farther than intended, but I did enjoy the feeling.

I also like the contrast between horses and battleships to respectively open and close the poem. It almost combines centuries for me. The last stanza also intrigues me with its "at peace," turning it into a location.

The only thing that stuck to me was the adjective "crystal" to describe tears. I did not get a great sense of freshness from it personally.

I'm sorry my comments are sporadic, but to put it all altogether, I have few negatives to say now, and a lot of praise for the imagery.

[billy]

Hi Billy,
   A ghazal! And it is so well done too. I had a hard time writing one of these, but you have written two good ones that I've seen. Way to be dedicated, I haven't even tried again yet.

I saw the prancing horses die at waters edge.
With manes that tossed , they made me cry at water's edge.

And left my crystal tears, a sob to soak the sand.
To flood the ocean by and by, at water's edge.

The wind; I loved the salty spray it lifted high.
I closed my eyes, became the sky at water's edge.

When sulky clouds, through bellows, blow among the waves.
The tremor from the sea, a sigh at water's edge.

Arizona! Rest at peace below the thoughts of men. --this is the only line where the meter changes. 'AR-i-ZONa! REST at PEACE beLOW the THOUGHTS of MEN.' I count seven stresses. to make it the same as the rest might look like: 'Oh, Arizona! Rest below the thoughts of men.' Of course you would lose 'at peace' which I like a lot. If you do start it Trochaic, you would have to compensate with an extra unstressed syllable, but 'Arizona' is set up in iambic stresses, so there wouldn't be an opportunity to 'insert' like : 'DUM da da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM' so that there remains six stresses in the line. And keep in mind that I may have it all wrong too :p
Of battleships beneath, that fly the water's edge.

Other than the one line, I really liked all of it. Great job, Billy. Thanks for sharing.

it does seem i've got one extra of something

i read arizona a as a/RIZ/o/NA but something is def wrong with that line. thanks for the feedback AA,
so it's either your way or another way, i'll ponder cos i'm not too sure how to deal with it, hehe

[billy]

Billy,

Your choice of words really brought a vivid images to mind. The repetition of the form ("at water's edge") first struck me as being very similar to the continuous crashing of waves against a shore-it really worked for me in setting the atmosphere.

"I closed my eyes, became the sky at water's edge."

What I'm going to say may not make sense, but this line reminded me of the line between an ocean and the horizon. The reason that is important to me is because it almost makes me feel that by becoming the sky at this position, you also almost become a part of the water and therefore the whole area. Now, I probably took that way farther than intended, but I did enjoy the feeling.

I also like the contrast between horses and battleships to respectively open and close the poem. It almost combines centuries for me. The last stanza also intrigues me with its "at peace," turning it into a location.

The only thing that stuck to me was the adjective "crystal" to describe tears. I did not get a great sense of freshness from it personally.

I'm sorry my comments are sporadic, but to put it all altogether, I have few negatives to say now, and a lot of praise for the imagery.

fair enough on the crystal, i'll ponder how to change that as well as the sort out the meter in the penultimate line. thanks for taking the time to read and leave feedback. what you said about the horizon made a lot of sense

[Ca ne fait rien]

I saw the prancing horses die at waters edge.
With manes that tossed , they made me cry at water's edge.
And left my crystal tears, a sob to soak the sand I know ghazals are formulaic and lyrical language is a characteristic, but' crystal tears' perhaps a little too pedestrian-
To flood the ocean by and by, at water's edge.

The wind; I loved the salty spray it lifted high.
I closed my eyes, became the sky at water's edge. Love this line- the surrender of self, almost, expressed therein.

When sulky clouds, through bellows, blow among the waves. Like this -Can see that cherub face of the winds they draw on old maps, blowing clouds like speech balloons
The tremor from the sea, a sigh at water's edge.

Arizona! Rest at peace below the thoughts of men.
Of battleships beneath, that fly the water's edge.

Hi Billy
I have forgotten the very little I knew about the form, so forgive if the suggestions don't work with the ghazal. The opening with the horses (metaphorical , symbolic as the white horses of the sea foam, whatever) in the foreground and the battleships at the end in the background, with the sea imagery in the middle painted a visual whole, like a picture on the wall as well as bringing to mind the despair of war. Probably got it all wrong, but hey ho.

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

I haven't read any other comments yet, and I had to go over the ghazal again (I may be a little loose on how effective you were with form).

I saw the prancing horses die at waters edge.--I love the first line and the refrain. Moving to the content though, this first line makes me think of calvary slaughtered in war. Not knowing the histroy I could be off but the battleship reference later seemed a little modern for the image I started with (again could just be me)
With manes that tossed , they made me cry at water's edge.

And left my crystal tears, a sob to soak the sand.--crystal tears borders a little too close to cliche for me.
To flood the ocean by and by, at water's edge.--Billy while I love the content here, this is very close to enjambment. I think it's allowed but if you could rework the line to remove it it might be closer to the form

The wind; I loved the salty spray it lifted high.
I closed my eyes, became the sky at water's edge.--The most gorgeous line in the poem. These are the moments in a poem that are just magic

When sulky clouds, through bellows, blow among the waves.--sulky clouds and through bellows blow is great
The tremor from the sea, a sigh at water's edge.--I love how the tremor is shown as a sigh (really good)

Arizona! Rest at peace below the thoughts of men.--below is a good addition here
Of battleships beneath, that fly the water's edge.--I like the contrast between beneath and fly. It makes you think of flags and past glory

I think you did an excellent job on the form. You made the refrain different in each instance. I hope some of the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

I saw the prancing horses die at waters edge.
With manes that tossed , they made me cry at water's edge.
And left my crystal tears, a sob to soak the sand I know ghazals are formulaic and lyrical language is a characteristic, but' crystal tears' perhaps a little too pedestrian-
To flood the ocean by and by, at water's edge.

The wind; I loved the salty spray it lifted high.
I closed my eyes, became the sky at water's edge. Love this line- the surrender of self, almost, expressed therein.

When sulky clouds, through bellows, blow among the waves. Like this -Can see that cherub face of the winds they draw on old maps, blowing clouds like speech balloons
The tremor from the sea, a sigh at water's edge.

Arizona! Rest at peace below the thoughts of men.
Of battleships beneath, that fly the water's edge.

Hi Billy
I have forgotten the very little I knew about the form, so forgive if the suggestions don't work with the ghazal. The opening with the horses (metaphorical , symbolic as the white horses of the sea foam, whatever) in the foreground and the battleships at the end in the background, with the sea imagery in the middle painted a visual whole, like a picture on the wall as well as bringing to mind the despair of war. Probably got it all wrong, but hey ho.

thanks for the feedback, it seems crystal tears is a constant from you all. i'll do a few responses to other poems and come back to change it. and it's about a past war, the arizona was sunk at pearl harbour. so pretty much spot on

[heslopian]

I saw the prancing horses die at waters edge. "Water's"
With manes that tossed , they made me cry at water's edge.

And left my crystal tears, a sob to soak the sand. Should that be "me" instead of "my"?
To flood the ocean by and by, at water's edge. This sentence seems to be a conjunction of the first, so I think a comma should go after "sand".

The wind; I loved the salty spray it lifted high. I think a colon would be more appropriate there than a semi colon.
I closed my eyes, became the sky at water's edge.

When sulky clouds, through bellows, blow among the waves. "Blow" should be "blew".
The tremor from the sea, a sigh at water's edge.

Arizona! Rest at peace below the thoughts of men.
Of battleships beneath, that fly the water's edge.

You need to edit the syntax a bit, but otherwise this is a very good poem. Pretty, picturesque, and with certain hidden depths, meanings.

[billy]

the wave tossed as pearl harbour was attacked (an image i had, as ships lifted out of the water and broke) maybe i could have been cleaner wit the image, i'll take a look.
the enjambment thing you mention, i saw it but hoped it would pass muster because it is a complete sentence. with cap and period.
and like all before you "crystal" seems to be a spoke to change. (which i will )

as always, thanks for the feedback, it's always helpful.

at present i changed crystal to limpid, hope it removes the cliche aspect.

[heslopian]

and like all before you "crystal" seems to be a spoke to change. (which i will )

Sorry Bilbo, I don't read other people's reviews before writing my own

[billy]

I saw the prancing horses die at waters edge. "Water's"
With manes that tossed , they made me cry at water's edge.

And left my crystal tears, a sob to soak the sand. Should that be "me" instead of "my"?
To flood the ocean by and by, at water's edge. This sentence seems to be a conjunction of the first, so I think a comma should go after "sand".

The wind; I loved the salty spray it lifted high. I think a colon would be more appropriate there than a semi colon.
I closed my eyes, became the sky at water's edge.

When sulky clouds, through bellows, blow among the waves. "Blow" should be "blew".
The tremor from the sea, a sigh at water's edge.

Arizona! Rest at peace below the thoughts of men.
Of battleships beneath, that fly the water's edge.

You need to edit the syntax a bit, but otherwise this is a very good poem. Pretty, picturesque, and with certain hidden depths, meanings.

i never saw your feedback jack but "all before it" had mentioned the bugger in question.

i can't read it as me and say it works syntax-wise on L, 3. and i can't believe i left a comma off the first line . todd mentioned the enjamb so it will be easier to change "to" to "I" as they have be complete phrases on each line. i Think a colon would work better. the blow isn't past or present tense.

thanks for the feedback as always, i'll implement most of them now

[Leanne]

Billy, this is a splendid ghazal -- I was so impressed when I first read it that I called my other half over to have a look, since he's something of a ghazal connoisseur, and he concurs. That it's unusual subject matter for the form makes it even more exciting, as you've used it to great effect, with excellent shifts in the way the refrain works between each couplet.

To be honest, I'm not convinced that "limpid" is much less cliched than "crystal" -- I think tears have been modified to death in poetry, so I'd suggest looking in a slightly different direction for an alternative there. Perhaps a time of day or year? I don't know when exactly -- they're your tears! -- but something like "and left midwinter tears" for example?

Anyway, I'm really impressed with your ghazal.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback leanne. i know what you mean about the tear line. i will try and sort it out. i'm also thinking of adding a few more couplets to make it more substantial. (i'll see what i can do after breakfast, and the work run)