Hunger and Stasis

[heslopian]

Hunger and stasis gather on
the porches of my heart.
First there was childhood now old

pining from a distant home
I don't like visiting. It came and went
not saying much. Horror film

devoid of plot. Hunger had been sated once.
Then stasis came. Opened like a paper rose.
I slept a hundred years.

Yet still my hunger walked and walked
the wastelands of my abstract love.
Feeding on the last remains

of ambition and friendship. Then it sought my smarts.
I unlearned things. Personal hygiene
and time. I couldn't wash my hands or wake.

The passage of life has nothing to do with watches.
It's all about decay. See me sweat, collapse
and rot. Hunger's death and true stasis.

[Aish]

Hunger and stasis gather on
the porches of my heart. This is a great opener.
First there was childhood now old

pining from a distant home
I don't like visiting. It came and went
not saying much. Horror film

devoid of plot. Hunger had been sated once.
Then stasis came. Opened like a paper rose. I really like 'Opened like a paper rose.'
I slept a hundred years.

Yet still my hunger walked and walked Is 'Yet' necessary?
the wastelands of my abstract love.
Feeding on the last remains

of ambition and friendship. Then it sought my smarts.
I unlearned things. Personal hygiene
and time. I couldn't wash my hands or wake.

The passage of life has nothing to do with watches.
It's all about decay. See me sweat, collapse
and rot. Hunger's death and true stasis. Nice ending strophe.

This is very uncomfortable, Jack, but I'm sure that's intentional. I personally don't care for "Then it sought my smarts". Otherwise it's a thought provoking piece, with hunger speaking to me both as literal and figurative- the glazed over hole some seek to fill with religion, others with science, some with drugs or alcohol, etc.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Aish How about "mind" instead of "smarts"?

[Aish]

Your welcome. My advice is that line could be struck entirely. The idea of progression is already in place, so you don't have to take the reader there so literally.

[heslopian]

Cheers Aish

[Aish]

And to you, sir!

[billy]

could the title be the first line of the poem, and place gather on, on the next line down to become the 1st line in the body of the poem?

Hunger and stasis gather on
the porches of my heart.
First there was childhood now old is 'there was' needed? grammar could be used to sort out syntax. maybe use 'a' instead

pining from a distant home
I don't like visiting. It came and went is it the right tense?
not saying much. Horror film i like the enjambment you use.

devoid of plot. Hunger had been sated once. this verse is why i asked about the title
Then stasis came. Opened like a paper rose.
I slept a hundred years. good image here and above

Yet still my hunger walked and walked
the wastelands of my abstract love.
Feeding on the last remains

of ambition and friendship. Then it sought my smarts.
I unlearned things. Personal hygiene
and time. I couldn't wash my hands or wake.

The passage of life has nothing to do with watches.
It's all about decay. See me sweat, collapse is all needed, just a suggestion but you could push collapse to the next line
and rot. Hunger's death and true stasis.

very vivid, and some good images. the 3rd and 4th were excellent for me.
as was the 6th which was my fave because it felt personal. the wastelands line did make me think of eliot's of the same name. but it work regardless. (was it meant to be a reference?)

anyway, all were just suggestions and jmo.

thanks for the read

[heslopian]

It wasn't meant to be a reference to Eliot but I can see how it might be construed as one.
Regarding the first strophe's last line, it originally read like this: "First there was childhood, now old," indicating that childhood is now an old memory. For some reason I decided I'd write like Cormac McCarthy and not use commas. I may put them back.
Thanks for the kind words and feedback Bilbo