Invocation

[Aish]

Sibilant words
drop like coals
from plaint mouths;

meteoric ants

marching

to the doctrinal corpuscles
of naked seclusion.

[billy]

oooa, love sibilant, would 'wet' look any good in front of coals to carry on the image? still trying to get a handle on the last line. i like the wuse of white space, normally it isn't used as it should be, (for me that's not the case here.) nothing else to say except i think the first six lines work really well on their own jmo

thanks for the read.

Sibilant words
drop like coals
from plaint mouths;

meteoric ants

marching

to the doctrinal corpuscles
of naked seclusion.

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

I took a retelling of The Fall from Genesis from this (probably way off). I took sibilant words to be Adam and Eve discussing the Serpent's proposition thus the sibilance. My only suggestion on S1 is that you could move plaint before coals and cut from mouths entirely.

I love the enhancement of the coal imagery with meteoric ants marching. The marching especially gives an inexorable feel to it all. Once the words start the outcome is inevitable.

The final strophe with its doctrinal corpuscles (sacrificial system beginning) and its naked seclusion as the first revelation.

Like I said, I'm probably way off, but I loved what you did with this.

Best,

Todd

Sibilant words
drop like coals
from plaint mouths;

meteoric ants

marching

to the doctrinal corpuscles
of naked seclusion.

[Leanne]

"meteoric ants" reminds me of how they look when you burn them with a magnifying glass... I've mentioned these evil tendencies of mine before, haven't I? The sibilant words, coupled with the title, give this quite an arcane feel -- but "naked seclusion" speaks to me of an unhappy relationship, lying exposed and alone, which would make those sibilant words whispered arguments in the dark. I do love multilayered poems

[ICSoria]

The poem is quite nice in its simplicity, much like an artist who relies on a subtlety of color. The only thing I would add is a suggestion to drop any extraneous words such as “the” whenever possible.

Sid