The Vestigle Lothario
#1


Testicles the cat,
my fucking ginger tom,
had majestic balls that swung.
Slung between his legs; just
beneath his arse, queens would swoon.
When the titianed titan crooned
you knew.
Silence, the storms eye
and then!
Again, his woeful tune.

That was before
he lost his voice
at the vets.

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#2
The last verse is so sudden and final that it provokes a burst of laughter in me. An elegant construction Bilbo, vulgar and cynical.
This may be a personal thing, but I think the profanity in L2 would work better inbetween "ginger" and "tom".
A couple of grammatical nits:

* "Slung between his legs; just
beneath his arse, queens would swoon."

These lines seem oddly arranged. How about:

"Slung between his legs, just
beneath his arse; queens would swoon."

*"Storms" needs an apostrophe as it's being used in the possessive context.

Does "Again" need a comma after it? It might improve the rhythm if you cut it out. For me, anyway.
Thanks for the read, BilboSmile
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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#3
thanks for the feedback jack, i'll do an edit tomorrow as i'm cooking dinner tonight.
i like the changes you suggest Smile
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#4
(09-09-2011, 05:30 PM)billy Wrote:  Testicles the cat, Your cats name is Testicles?
my fucking ginger tom,
had majestic balls that swung.
Slung between his legs; just
beneath his arse, queens would swoon. I think you need 'the' in front of queens for the sake of rhythm
When the titianed titan crooned 'titianed' - I do not know this word. Is it akin to titillated?
you knew.
Silence, the storms eye
and then!
Again, his woeful tune. I love this - having emasculated my own Bombay, I at times miss his awful crooning.

That was before
he lost his voice
at the vets. Excellent ending. Made me chuckle (and my hubby wince).

PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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