The Explorers

[heslopian]

the emptiness of this new world
I devised for you and I,
yet know not what awaits our tread
as we ascend the hills, mountains,
making love in streams, by trees,
washing, eating, laughing here,
tramping through the herbage there.

oh lumbejack, my pioneer,
your muscles sinewy and lean,
hosting their own hillocks
through which our dopplegangers roam.
mirroring the sodomy
that has become our cakes and wine;

I would fight you, beat you, grope you,
love you again like faith renewed,
build fires then chant your name,
once the nymph of sleep has come
and defeaned you to all life's songs...

mount you like a loyal steed,
fill you like an ale mug,
score the meadows with our love.

caress you on the browing grass,
then gather what supplies we have
as you prepare our daily route.

[billy]

is this in the style of o capitano my capitano?

the opening line is a very audacious statement.
i loved this line; hosting their own hillocks it's profound in the extreme when used in the context of the poem.
could cakes be singular i wonder?

i also thought;

mount you like a loyal steed,
fill you like an ale mug,
score the meadows with our love.

was exceptional. i'm trying to think of the two explorers that did the american thing this reminds me of but my mind fails.
thats it, lewis and clark though i'm not sure they had a lumberjack between them hehe.

i like the wordplay wit the title and the way it interacts with the poem.
not a bad write jack

thanks for the read.

[Wildcard]

I wonder if this poem is completely symbolic. While reading, I felt like the 'pioneer' theme was more like a fantasy and the reality was probably more average, tho no less spectacular.

As far as the wording, it's nicely entertaining and NOT repetitive at all, but I kind of got lost from the opening two lines to the rest of that verse. It didn't seem to be a complete thought, but felt more like a slideshow of the woodland antics.

love you again like faith renewed,
build fires then chant your name,

^my favorite line, but does it need a comma after 'love you again'?

I think it's a nice piece. Good work.

[heslopian]

Thank you both for your kind words and feedback. Billy, the poem was inspired by Walt Whitman's "O Pioneers", specifically it's use in this advert:

[youtube]HG8tqEUTlvs[/youtube]

Apathist, I see what you mean about the slideshow of woodland antics. That's an excellent way of putting it, and pretty much sums up my process for this poem haha

[addy]

Wow, that's a great ad. I can see shades of that exhilarating hope in your poem.

the emptiness of this new world
I devised for you and I,
yet know not what awaits our tread
as we ascend the hills, mountains,
making love in streams, by trees,
washing, eating, laughing here,
tramping through the herbage there. I like this... reminds me of the innocence of adam and eve in eden.

oh lumbejack, my pioneer,
your muscles sinewy and lean,
hosting their own hillocks
through which our dopplegangers roam.
mirroring the sodomy
that has become our cakes and wine; lovely description of shadows, again heightening the romance and adventure of an "empty world". It's these lines and others like it that make me agree with AA, other than being just literal there's a sense of magic realism to it.

I would fight you, beat you, grope you,
love you again like faith renewed,
build fires then chant your name,
once the nymph of sleep has come just a small nit, it might be better without the "nymph" personification only because it will heighten the sense of being completely alone if there were no "god" either... but that's just a suggestion, and this works fine
and defeaned you to all life's songs...

mount you like a loyal steed,
fill you like an ale mug,
score the meadows with our love.

caress you on the browing grass,
then gather what supplies we have
as you prepare our daily route. I thought you could've ended the poem in a much stronger note... maybe you can retool this strophe, so you can end with the "browning grass" line which I think is much stronger. Or maybe just rephrase the last line to give it more punch.

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback Addy
How about "mist" instead of "nymph"?
I like your idea of ending on the "browning grass". I think I'll do that.

[billy]

Thank you both for your kind words and feedback. Billy, the poem was inspired by Walt Whitman's "O Pioneers", specifically it's use in this advert:

[youtube]HG8tqEUTlvs[/youtube]

Apathist, I see what you mean about the slideshow of woodland antics. That's an excellent way of putting it, and pretty much sums up my process for this poem haha

it's not one i've read but if i'd seen that pioneer poem put up buy someone other that wally, i'd said it was done from the o captain poem. there both very alike.

nicely done

[addy]

How about "mist" instead of "nymph"?
I like your idea of ending on the "browning grass". I think I'll do that.

I do like "mist" instead of nymph... it makes for a nice contrasting atmosphere next to the building fires line. Just my thought. Go with your gut on this one, Jack