Poetry

[heslopian]

Let's be honest, hearts are dull.
The soul is a whiteboard filled with sums
few of us can hope to solve.
To say I write from my gut
doesn't mean a great deal.

What matters is the metaphors,
the beauty of the images:
why need a soul when hell is hot,
burning with the endless skin
of those who once through cities walked,
looking in a window here,
checking their laces there.

All this is much more thrilling than
the simple arrogance of graves,
the emptiness, the silent rot
no poem can justify.

[Leanne]

The gut is a place for worms and last night's dinner turning into excrement -- which, coincidentally, is just what a lot of poetry ends up as

I think your second stanza would be strengthened by removing the first person, eg:

What matters is metaphor (or It's metaphors that matter)
the beauty of images

These are the only lines when the first person makes a direct appearance, and it detracts from the universality of your statements.

In your penultimate line, would you consider backing up the sounds from the preceding lines with:

the emptiness, the silent rot

The second stanza gives the poem a bit of an Ozymandias feel -- I like it a lot.

[heslopian]

The first person also makes an appearance at the end of the first verse ("To say I write from my gut"); would it help if I changed "I" and "my" to "we" and "our", and replace the "my"s in the first two lines of the second verse to "the"s?
I like your suggestion for the penultimate line. I'll make the edit in a mo.
Thanks for the feedback

[Leanne]

No, that's not direct first person, it's more of a quote, ie 'To say, "I write from my gut" ' -- as in, that's what some other idiot is telling you

[heslopian]

Ah okay then. I think will change the "my"s to "the"s in the second verse. Thanks again for the feedback, Leanne.

[addy]

Splendid work Jack. i had a couple teeny nits but this is certainly an excellent read

Let's be honest, hearts are dull. good opening
The soul is a whiteboard filled with sums
few of us can hope to solve. would it be stronger to straight-out say that no one can solve it?
To say I write from my gut
doesn't mean a great deal.

What matters is the metaphors,
the beauty of the images:
why need a soul when hell is hot, great line
burning with the endless skin
of those who once through cities walked,
looking in a window here,
checking their laces there. i'm lukewarm about this last line... very specific, yet it doesn't seem to say a great deal

All this is much more thrilling than
the simple arrogance of graves, I've never heard of "arrogant graves"... I love it
the emptiness, the silent rot
no poem can justify. I really like this, the turnaround that, in fact, the human condition is so ineffable and powerful that though you praise poetry and brimstone, there is a glibness to it in comparison

[ICSoria]

Jack,
I cannot add to the good feedback you already received but I had to say I really like what you have begun here.
Some very good writing. I especially like that last stanza.

Sid

[heslopian]

Thank you for your great feedback Addy, and your kind words ICSoria

[billy]

Let's be honest, hearts are dull.
The soul is a whiteboard filled with sums sums makes me think of maths and not poetry
few of us can hope to solve.
To say I write from my gut
doesn't mean a great deal.

What matters is the metaphors, would it read better as; What matters is metaphor,
the beauty of the images: is 'the' needed?
why need a soul when hell is hot,
burning with the endless skin
of those who once through cities walked, once feels redundant
looking in a window here,
checking their laces there.

All this is much more thrilling than
the simple arrogance of graves,
the emptiness, the silent rot
no poem can justify.

apart from a couple of nits
i thought it a good write.
better than most poems that try and capture what poetry is
the last verse is my fave the comparison work really well for me.

thanks for the read