Heaven:

[billy]

edit

If pubs, and beer, and girls, are truly blessed,
of gifts bestowed upon the working man,
how does the pissy foam on top a can,
the Fosters begging on the bar arrest
a dream, like Wendy did with Peter Pest?
If poems slurred in drink, with thought can span
an oaken bar, it's time that love began.
For drunks love drunks and poets love the best.

The noise is loud and no one gives a fuck
how much you drink, or even how you dress.
A woman in her cups will take a shine,
and if you're lucky be an open book.
In there its really easy to impress,
but be prepared to fill her up with wine.

placed here as well poetry practice for proper critique

original;

Why are pubs, and beer, and girls, the greatest?
Of gifts bestowed upon the working man.
How does the flesh in dingy bars, and can
of fosters begging on the bar arrest
the dream, like Wendy did with Peter Pest.
If poems slurred in drink, with thought can span
an oaken bar, it's time that love began.
For drunks love drunks and poets love the best.

The noise is loud and no one gives a fuck
how much you drink, or even how you dress.
A woman in her cups will take a shine,
and if you're lucky be an open book.
In there its really easy to impress,
but be prepared to fill her up with wine.

[Leanne]

I've done a little bit of addressing in the Poetry Practice forum...

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

I'm away for a few days and come back to a Sonnet. Here are some comments for your consideration:

Please look at where you are placing your question marks. The one at the end of L1 should be at the end of L2. Placing it where it is hurts the enjambment. The end of L5 should have a question mark instead of a period I think also.

L1 Not strictly iambic but it still has a nice rhythm to it and the first two lines are a good opening.

L3-4: This feels a bit off to me Billy. Not a meter thing more that the line is being padded to accomodate the meter if that makes sense. It feels a bit awkward here. I think it's the "and can of fosters (should fosters be capitalized)" part. For whatever reason it feels more like filler than necessary. I do love the flesh / arrest internal rhyme. It could just be that the break on can doesn't enhance the line. The lead up would need to be stronger with can being an important payoff for it to work (imo). I'm probably rambling and not making sense--I'll move on.

L5: Not sure who Peter Pest is I kept wanting to read it as Peter Pan

L6-8: Really great lines.

I think the poem took off in the second section. The only thing I would ask you to consider is replacing open book (I do like the near rhyme fuck/book, but it's still a bit cliched and you can do much better).

So, really good work here. I enjoyed it. I hope these comments are helpful and mostly coherent.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

peter pest is to make you think peter pan. it why wendy is there.

lots to think about from your feedback which is greatly appreciated.
will do some of the minor edits like cap F in fosters and the grammar in a short while.
then i'll take my time to sort some of the other things out .

thanks for taking the time to crit

[heslopian]

The syntax is skewered at times, as is the nature of the beast, but on the whole this is a thoroughly enjoyable sonnet. Doesn't the question mark at the end of the first line belong one down after "man"?
Does "cups" in the third line of the second verse relate to bras?
I love "Peter Pest", and I love the grotty, grimy nature of this ode to skin bars, pubs and the like. If nothing else it's original. Shakespeare for the lads
Though I should point out, in case you're unaware, that "Heaven" is the name of a massive gay bar in London, which made me giggle given this poem's content

[billy]

heaven is also the place where good people go when they die hehe''
the phrase "in your cups" means your drunk
i'll do the grammar shortly.

thanks for the feedback

[heslopian]

In that case I hope I go to Heaven when I die

[billy]

i did a edit based on the feedback received.

[Todd]

Very effective edit Billy

[billy]

thanks Todd, i tried to do something with the can, but it was hard without taking the flesh thing out; so i took it out.
thanks for the 2nd look

[addy]

Wow, that's a great edit... it flows fantastically, and I love the additions.