The Sodomites

[heslopian]

make love and wrap it in cellophane for me.
my hand on the mattress, forging a groove –
secure it with starch so we’ll never forget –
your hand catching mine like a fleeing convict,
as your thick torso massages my spine
and you rest your lips against my neck.
let’s do what the comics always make light of,
but without those shit, tawdry punch lines,
the stupid questions about haemorrhoids,
lubricant and gender roles.
the mattress is ours, our sacriligious witness,
as if the love that we share was ever sacred.

[billy]

make love and wrap it in cellophane for me.
my hand on the mattress, forging a groove –
secure it with starch so we’ll never forget –
your hand catching mine like a fleeing convict,
as your thick torso massages my spine
and you rest your lips against my neck.
let’s do what the comics always make light of,
but without those shit, tawdry punch lines,
the stupid questions about haemorrhoids,
lubricant and gender roles.
the mattress is ours, our consummation witness,
as if the love that we share was ever sacred.

two nits on what i found to be a great poem, the last two lines feel (to be honest) yucky a little bit. consummation doesn't cut it for me, i felt the poem best ended after roles
or change the last to lines.
my other nit is the title. i love the title 'the sodomites' the love song part gives a way to much,
very graphic, though i see no need for a content warning. (btw, you only need to say (content) ) just use one if it's full of expletives, extremely violent or not fit for human consumption in general.
it's original and has many good lines
i didn't find anything i'd change in the body of the poem apart as i say from the two nits.

thanks for the read jack.

[heslopian]

Why is the word "consummation" yucky? I thought it was hopelessly twee Or is that why you think it's yucky?
I don't understand what "Love Song" gives away that "The Sodomites" doesn't once you've read the first couple of lines. That said, I think "The Sodomites" is a better title nonetheless. It just seems more original. I'll change it once I've finished this.
Thanks as always for your kind words and feedback Billy. I'll remove the content warning in a mo. I was just worried in case Fred Phelps was a member of the site and might have a heart attack if he read a poem like this

[billy]

you hit the nail on the head. you say twee (thats a yucky word as well hehe) i say yucky.

from my pov. Love Song is rather twee as well and it also makes us believe the poem will be about sods in love, which it does.
no twist there then. if you excuse the pun, it feels "tongue in cheek" the original is still a good title but i just felt it could be improved on. the options are almost limitless.

the sodomites and prucock ; sorry but that one made me laugh.
i will say that you should know best. you have the craft me thinks.

[heslopian]

Instead of consummation, how about "unholy" or "sacriligious"? I see what you mean about now about the "Love Song".

[billy]

i think you should decide. either work for me.
though i think it a shame to use a word that you may not have felt, would they have felt making love unholy etc.
i don't know why but the word consumption sprang to mind lol.

on this one all i can say is do what you feel is best.

sorry jack.

[heslopian]

Well if the love isn't "sacred" then it can't be "consummated", and my point was that the sodomites are finding beauty in an act which had been regarded throughout history as sick and twisted, an opinion only being very slowly recinded now. I'll make the edit now.

[billy]

yes, i think the line reads much better now