Mother

[heslopian]

I must have been your height by then.
but I look up at you in dreams
of the pie and mash shop

before the cigarette ban,
as I prodded my meal
and you smiled wryly,

a mockery of knowing
you'd long perfected,
blowing out smoke like a confidant kid.

an oval of eel
congealed in a bowl
beside you.

'try it' you said,
so I did,
trusting the woman

who'd burned my hands
when I was an infant,
trusting you more than my sensible dad,

who'd raised me.
the eel was bad, but I didn't blame you.
that long afternoon

when we walked to Clacton,
high on our reunion,
you calling me "son" to all the cashiers,

me thinking of you as my only parent,
having taken our trays to the table we'd picked,
all we could do is smile like dolls.

[billy]

I must have been your height by then.
but I look up at you in dreams look or looked, is it past or present tense?
of the pie and mash shop

before the cigarette ban,
as I prodded my meal
and you smiled wryly,

a mockery of knowing
you'd long perfected,
blowing out smoke like a confidant kid.

an oval of eel
congealed in a bowl
beside you. i really like this verse. it sets the place, and makes a great image.

'try it' you said,
so I did,
trusting the woman

who'd burned my hands
when I was an infant,
trusting you more than my sensible dad,

who'd raised me.
the eel was bad, but I didn't blame you.
that long afternoon

when we walked to Clacton,
high on our reunion,
you calling me "son" to all the cashiers, and this one

me thinking of you as my only parent,
having taken our trays to the table we'd picked,
all we could do is feed our love.

i have one nit, and thats all it it is. the last line feels forced.
i would have preferred not have heard the love word, a synonym would have been much better. or a simile/metaphor
other than that i found the poem to be profound,
i marked my fave verses but i did enjoy the whole read. it had a sense of reality about it, an experience.
the trio's work though i wonder how it would look as a larger versed poem.
i wish i could give more feedback jack but i simply enjoyed it. i think it touches plath in some way but from a different perspective. not exactly a reversal of her daddy poem where she had to kill him but along an opposite vien and in a more narrative way; but it has a touch of that era. and a sliver of that style maybe a hint of sexton as well.

thanks for the read

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and the feedback Billy. The tercet structure was actually inspired by Plath somewhat. I agree with you about the last line. Would "all we could do is smile like dolls" work any better? The "look" is the correct tense for what I was trying to convey. The memory is old but the narrator still dreams about it.

[billy]

get you on the look and

i like the smile like dolls simile jack. eluding to be overjoyed, it also paints an image many of us have felt in awkward moments.

[heslopian]

I'll make the change now.