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Crunching on flavourless shards of fat,
once ripe potatoes, now putrid crap,
petrified dung fresh torn from the bog,
I realise soon I'll fry an egg, melt some butter
in the pan and broil up three bacon strips,
stuff my gruesome mouth with cakes,
like Henry VIII at Christmas Day,
or a Florentine king once his diet is done.
Is this a form of suicide? In a life more unique
than mine, maybe. But for me it's just escapism.
My taste buds can take me where my mind never could.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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the repetition of shards didn't work for me.
the only line that threw me was L3. i couldn't
work out what it had to do with food.
the couplet didn't work too well for me though the end line did.
loved the last 4 lines of the 1st verse. the images feel strong.
all in a ll a good write with a couple of nits. thanks for the read jack.
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Thank you for the feedback Billy. I didn't actually realise I had repeated "shards." I'll change that once I've finished this. The third line was just me bitching some more about crisps. I'd just tried some of those special flavoured Walkers which have been released to support red nose day, and it tasted like shit (which I'm pretty sure wasn't the intention). The couplet I see as more perfunctory than anything else. I need it to explain the last line.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Great meditation on gluttony, with some wonderful stand-out images. Just very, very minor nits: since in the second line you contrast ripeness with dead refuse, I didn't think you need to qualify petrified dung as "fresh" in the third line (unless the disjoint is intentional). Also, for me the last sentence of the couplet fell flat because it can only draw strength from the final line which it is structurally disconnected from... it's not enough of a separate thought and not interesting on its own. But as I said, apart from those very minor concerns I thoroughly enjoyed this.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Thanks for your kind words and feedback Addy. To be honest I only added "fresh" in order to beef up the syllable count of that line. Would the couplet's weakness be less noticeable if I added the last line onto it and made a tercet?
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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i think it would be better. as it is the last line feels disambiguated...whatever that means
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Thanks, edit made
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
