The Child (Edit)

[Lawrence]

There’s a game of hide-and-seek going on
It’s been fifteen years, and wouldn’t you guess it
They still haven’t found the child.

He is curled up under a mattress
In the empty home of a stranger
Who no longer lives there.

But every night, the stranger visits
Hovering above the bed like a spectre
Telling him not to come out, that it isn’t safe-
That if he emerges, they’ll drag him somewhere darker
That if he wants to be found, he deserves what comes next.

The man is old, with a dark, featureless face
And a body shaped entirely of silver smoke
Sometimes, he asks the child if he remembers.

But the child just lays there-
Hands-over-ears, eyes like fists
Clenching liquid, jumbled prayers
Tumbling from his purple lips.

Satisfied,
The stranger drifts out an open window.

Light crawls in
Like scorpions
______________________________________
EDIT

There’s a game of hide-and-seek going on.
It’s been fifteen years, and wouldn’t you guess it-
They still haven’t found the child.

He is curled under a mattress
In the empty home of a stranger
Who no longer lives there.

Every night, the stranger visits him
Hovering above the bare bed like a spectre
Telling him not to come out, that it’s not safe yet.

That if he emerges, they’ll drag him into the bushes
And beat him. That there’s nothing secure about discovery
That if he wants to be found, he deserves what comes next.

The stranger is old, with a dark, featureless face
And a body formed entirely of silver smoke.
Sometimes, he asks the child if he remembers.

But the child just lays there-
Like a stem with its petals plucked
Before they could even bloom.

[Todd]

Love the changes Lawrence. You smoothed out some minor parts and your ending was just awesome.

I loved eyes like fist and Light crawls in like scorpions.

Great rewrite much more powerful than the petals plucked image.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

i have to agree with todd that the ending is spot on
the poem as a whole feels more sinister.
for me it's a lot better though i did enjoy the 1st one as well.

nice edit lawrence

[waitingforgodet]

Powerful poem, Lawrence. Great evocation of evil, terror--and I like the way the piece opens with some blame towards the authorities. What makes the poem even darker is that the child is an adult now, or near adult age--assuming the child was 2 or 3 at the time of the kidnapping--even if the child was snatched while an infant, he is a teenager now but has only known fear and terror from the old man, this in itself makes it even more terrifying.

I have very little criticism to offer other than praise; however, I don't like featureless face--everyone has features--wrinkled face, pock-marked, even unshaven and bearded, I think, would have worked. Or I can imagine the eyes of the old man. Also, I don't think you need the last lines--the fear and terror have already been established so powerfully already. Making him an old man from stranger did improve the poem too--silver smoke image was wonderful. And I would use something else other than spectre--just a personal taste thing here, makes me think of James Bond movies. All in all a wonderful, albeit frightening piece. Spooky, and oh, so dark conjures up Poe to me--jim