Laughter

[Todd]

Revision

I was a gray mouse frozen
beneath the shadow of an owl.
A rock, a leaf, a small tremor,
empty as the moonless sky.

Prayers return to mock
this birth--a barbed hook
you pull to hurt, entrap
the bitter with the sweet.

Her laughter wasn’t for you.

Were we responsible
for your killing ground,
your wounded pride?

The accusation stains
each yellowed dawn--
dew mixed with sulfur,
that rotten stench,
the grass dust, ash-soaked
when the mountains fell
to consume the valley

Moriah looms:
to kill my laughter,
teach my son—
that even a loving Father—
can wield a knife.

There is no escape from you.

Original

I was a gray mouse frozen
beneath the shadow of an owl.
A rock, a leaf, a small tremor,
empty as the moonless sky.

Prayers mock this birth
announcement. The barbed hook
you pull to hurt, entrap
the bitter with the sweet.

Her laughter wasn’t for you.

Were we responsible
for your killing ground,
your wounded pride?

The accusation stains
each yellowed dawn--
dew mixed with sulfur,
that rotten stench,
the grass dust, ash-soaked
when the mountains fell
to consume the valley

Moriah looms:
to kill my laughter,
teach my son—
that even a loving Father—
can wield a knife.

There is no escape from you.

[billy]

I was a gray mouse frozen the enjambment here is spot on.
beneath the shadow of an owl.
A rock, a leaf, a small tremor,
empty as the moonless sky. bloody perfect 1st stanza

Prayers mock this birth
announcement. The barbed hook the enjambment at 'birth' feels jerky for me
you pull to hurt, entrap
the bitter with the sweet.

Her laughter wasn’t for you.

Were we responsible
for your killing ground,
your wounded pride? can this stanza be expanded a little with maybe a rhetorical answer?

The accusation stains
each yellowed dawn--
dew mixed with sulfur, should it be 'sulphur' or is that a uk thing?
that rotton stench, rotten
the grass dust, ash-soaked
when the mountains fell
to consume the valley i think this is really a good stanza.

Moriah looms: a fantastic line considering the context of the stanza.
to kill my laughter,
teach my son—
that even a loving Father—
can wield a knife.

There is no escape from you.

the religious context is evident and used well to question.
while a little cryptic it allows glimpses into the piece. the baptism, the original sin (i think ) hell purgatory etc. though like always i could be a mile off

i though the 1st verse was superb. and on the whole i felt the piece to be really well crafted.

a good read which i've been through many times.

thanks for the read as always. jmo

[Todd]

Hey Billy,

Thanks a lot for such good feedback. I corrected rotten. Yeah sulfur/sulphur is a US/UK thing. I'll look at the enjambment on birth and consider the other comments you made. Thank you so much.

Best,

Todd

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Did a quick edit. The answer to the rhetorical will take some thought if I go that way. The other fix felt easy (agreed that announcement used as I had it was clunky).