Affliction.

[billy]

The light in me cannot be seen through yarn-worked lace.
It has no frills, it never flickers, it creates no shadow boxers
on white stucco walls. No mesmeric dancers shimmer
with that dark sultry hip shaking shimmy.

My light is borne of black tallow from dead dreams
and a wick of willow bark, it burns green and dark.
It depresses the candour of daylight
decries the sound of angel song from ebullient choristers
and defeats all vestige of that trifle called life

The light in me cannot be shared or given like a gift
It has a gravity that pulls in prey. Its incandescence
heated with each new days conquest of the failed.
It feeds at the trough of one’s despair.

[heslopian]

A deeply classical poem, rich with lyrical language. Sometimes this style doesn't work for you - the individual lines are good, but they don't always form a convincing whole - but here I think you pull it off.

The light in me cannot be seen through yarn-worked lace. Would "latticework" work better here? "Yarn-worked lace" sounds a tad too fussy.
It has no frills, it never flickers, it creates no shadow boxers I would have deleted the third "it," and replaced "shadow boxers" with simply "shadows," but that may just be a personal thing.
on white stucco walls. No mesmeric dancers shimmer Would "No silhouettes glisten" work better? Again it seems a tad fussy. Plus the juxtaposition of "shimmer" and "shimmy" in the next line doesn't gel for me.
with that dark sultry hip shaking shimmy. Could this also work without so many words, instead simply saying "with that sultry shimmy"?

My light is borne of black tallow from dead dreams
and a wick of willow bark, it burns green and dark. Would the first part of this line also work if it was shortened to "and some willow bark"? Furthermore, there should really be a semi-colon, not a comma, before the second half.
It depresses the candour of daylight Does "candour" have a "u"? I might be thinking of the American spelling.
decries the sound of angel song from ebullient choristers
and defeats all vestige of that trifle called life

The light in me cannot be shared or given like a gift Full stop needed here.
It has a gravity that pulls in prey. Its incandescence
heated with each new days conquest of the failed. "Days" should have an apostrophe.
It feeds at the trough of one’s despair.

With a spot of editing, this poem could be almost perfect. The verses have integrity, even beauty now and then, with a strong central theme and some sharp expression. I'd just a recommend a bit of trimming, cutting out the excess fat.

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

This is solid and has some great lines. I do have some edit suggestions below:

The light in me cannot be seen through yarn-worked lace.--maybe this instead of the?
It has no frills, it never flickers, it creates no shadow boxers--I think this might read smoother if you simply cut the second and third "it"
on white stucco walls. No mesmeric dancers shimmer--could just be me but I'd reverse the order here No dancers mesmeric shimmer...also you may need an apostrophe with dancers
with that dark sultry hip shaking shimmy.--this felt like one too many descriptors. I think you could kill shaking because shaking and shimmy mean largely the same thing and shimmy is cooler. Maybe mess with the order perhaps: with that sultry hip dark shimmy. Just a thought

My light is borne of black tallow from dead dreams--LOVE this line.
and a wick of willow bark, it burns green and dark.[b]--nice internal rhyme and the idea of burning green and especially dark is great
It depresses the candour of daylight--you could cut it here
decries the sound of angel song from ebullient choristers--I'm not sure about this advice but I'll go with it: there feels like too many d verbs in this section. I think you could play off depresses all the way to the end. I would consider cutting decries and the rest of this line feels too weighty maybe: the ebullient chorus of angel song and I know that's a large cut but if you hate it as always just ignore.
and defeats all vestige of that trifle called life--again I'd slash and defeats

The light in me cannot be shared or given like a gift--I think you can finally cut the in me it's been established. Maybe as instead of like
It has a gravity that pulls in prey. Its incandescence--cool line. Maybe condence gravity for prey.
heated with each new days conquest of the failed.--of the failed could possibly be cut implied by the act of conquest
It feeds at the trough of one’s despair.

It's a good poem. I hope the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

thanks for the feedback guys. i'll do an edit later using a lot of what you advise.
will reply to your poems as well as i have the work run to do now as well as a few other things.

you shown me some solid stuff that should be easy to work with

[Lawrence]

The light in me cannot be seen through yarn-worked lace.
It has no frills, it never flickers, it creates no shadow boxers(Great opening!)
on white stucco walls. No mesmeric dancers shimmer (On white stucco walls seems clumsy to me)
with that dark sultry hip shaking shimmy. ( is "sultry" needed?)

My light is borne of black tallow from dead dreams (Dead dreams seems a bit cliche)
and a wick of willow bark, it burns green and dark. (Great image! My favorite line so far.)
It depresses the candour of daylight (Seems a little fluffy and weak)
decries the sound of angel song from ebullient choristers (Solid)
and defeats all vestige of that trifle called life (I'd X defeats. Doesn't seem like it's needed)

The light in me cannot be shared or given like a gift (Like a gift seems a bit cliche)
It has a gravity that pulls in prey. Its incandescence (Awesome line)
heated with each new days conquest of the failed.(Solid)
It feeds at the trough of one’s despair. (I like it!)

Great work! Why do a get the vibe that this contains a little bit of an ode to the sadist?
Well done!