What we Want to Be

[Lawrence]

Every day, we’re all what we want to be,
In every circumstance
-Except one.

Just last week, as I faced the mirror
Struggling with vampire’s teeth
My grandmother caught her cape
In a closing door, and rolled down
The kitchen stairs like a bowling ball,
Breaking every bone and body part
That still worked in her.

After a brief burial, I gazed
At the superhero outfit she perished in
As mother wept behind her Scream mask
And father stood silently, stroking
His Hagrid’s hair and dirty beard.

“It’s a shame she just missed
Her favorite holiday” Father says.
The one where, the night before
Candy stores turn into ant colonies
And pumpkins are hallowed out; carved
Twisted faces like tortured souls are making in hell.

The one where I wake up
Wearing khaki pants and a T-shirt
To father sipping coffee in a suit and tie
And mother in sweatpants, cleaning the dishes
Massaging her naked hands.

"What a strange holiday"
I think

[billy]

Every day, we’re all what we want to be,
In every circumstance
-Except one.

Just last week, as I faced the mirror
Struggling with vampire’s teeth
My grandmother caught her cape
In a closing door, and rolled down
The kitchen stairs like a bowling ball,
Breaking every bone and body part
That still worked in her.

After a brief burial, I gazed
At the superhero outfit she perished in
As mother wept behind her Scream mask
And father stood silently, stroking
His Hagrid’s hair and dirty beard.

“It’s a shame she just missed
Her favorite holiday” Father says.
The one where, the night before
Candy stores turn into ant colonies
And pumpkins are hallowed out; carved
Twisted faces like tortured souls are making in hell. feels awkward to me

The one where I wake up
Wearing khaki pants and a T-shirt
To father sipping coffee in a suit and tie
And mother in sweatpants, cleaning the dishes
Massaging her naked hands.

"What a strange holiday" these two lines feel forced
I think

not sure if the opening bylines work for me. other than that i really enjoyed the read. lots of good lines, lots of imagery. and it works. the title doesn't feel great but it does work. i have read it a few times. and will read it again later to see if i can give a more constructive feedback.
thanks for posting the poem lawrence.

[heslopian]

I simply adore this poem. No piece of art can ever be perfect, but this comes close. A serious work, with a focused argument to make, and solid, sometimes beautiful imagery. The Scream mask was effectively used, and probably my favourite part. I have just three quibbles:

a) The opening and closing lines aren't really needed (IMHO). They're somewhat blunt and contrived, giving away too much about the message of the piece.

b) Billy has already mentioned the last line of the fourth verse, which again feels contrived, whereas what precedes and succeeds it is mostly down to earth.

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

This is interesting writing. Let me give you a few comments for you to consider.

Every day, we’re all what we want to be,--You know, I'd let your title do the work of this line. I think you can cut it without a problem
In every circumstance
-Except one.--minor typo: add one more hypen to create an emdash.

Just last week, as I faced the mirror--why is this line important? Couldn't you just move down one line to start. You'd have to start it with something like "I was struggling..." or the grandmother inadvertantly gets vampire's teeth.
Struggling with vampire’s teeth
My grandmother caught her cape
In a closing door, and rolled down
The kitchen stairs like a bowling ball,
Breaking every bone and body part
That still worked in her.--the rest of this sounds good to me

After a brief burial, I gazed
At the superhero outfit she perished in--perished seems a little too much...maybe died
As mother wept behind her Scream mask--might be too cute but maybe a break after scream. It would require some punctuation on the next line but wept behind her scream and than suddenly making it a scream mask would be pretty cool.
And father stood silently, stroking
His Hagrid’s hair and dirty beard.--Love this line.

“It’s a shame she just missed
Her favorite holiday” Father says.--I almost feel you could kill the father says part simply be leading with "saying" you've already established the speaker as the father with the hagrid images.
The one where, the night before--so her favorite holiday is all saints day
Candy stores turn into ant colonies[b]--love this
And pumpkins are hallowed out; carved
Twisted faces like tortured souls are making in hell.--maybe smooth this a bit, "Into twisted faces like tortured souls make in hell"

The one where I wake up[b]--maybe open this line with a "Like..." You can also cut "up"
Wearing khaki pants and a T-shirt
To father sipping coffee in a suit and tie--maybe "As father sips coffee..."
And mother in sweatpants, cleaning the dishes--maybe "With mother..."
Massaging her naked hands.--good line

"What a strange holiday"
I think--I'm not sure about these last lines. I'd almost rather you ended it on hands

It's a good poem Lawrence. I hope the comments are helpful.

Best,

Todd