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I don't drink--
I don't want you whiskey
If it doesn't comes from your lips
And I don't want your lips
If it isn't soaked in whiskey
Coz that's the only way
I can get through you...
I don't believe in love--
(No, not anymore...)
I don't want your love
If it doesn't comes from your heart
And i don't want your heart
If it doesn't resonate my name...
Coz I'm tired of being the only one
who gets hurt...
I know, I'm not that smart--
I don't get your poetry
If it's not about me
And I don't want all of
your damn poetry
Because it's all about her
So just drink some more whiskey
for me, my love...
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Needs to be touched up for a few spelling errors ("you" instead of "your" in some of the lines... replace "resonates" with "resonate", etc), but overall an interesting piece. I liked how you used the image of whiskey, tangentially comparing it to love poetry... an addiction to intoxication, illusion, co-dependence, even a touch deceit perhaps? If I had to pick a point to revise, "coz I'm tired of being the only one that's hurt" for me probably doesn't fit in as well as the others, because I didn't see an indication that the narrator was trying to actively hurt back the object of his/her affection (unless he/she meant to wreak emotional hurt via passive-aggressiveness, which I can accept makes sense). There's really some good stuff here worth polishing. Thanks for the read
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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thanks so much that's a very helpful feedback! dont worry I'll still be working on it
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Joined: Dec 2009
(12-20-2010, 03:03 PM)tidalnymph Wrote: I don't drink--
I don't want you whiskey
If it doesn't comes from your lips
And I don't want your lips
If it isn't soaked in whiskey
Coz that's the only way
I can get through you... should it be, I can get through to you...
I don't believe in love--
(No, not anymore...)
I don't want your love
If it doesn't comes from your heart
And i don't want your heart
If it doesn't resonate my name...
Coz I'm tired of being the only one
who gets hurt...
I know, I'm not that smart--
I don't get your poetry
If it's not about me
And I don't want all of
your damn poetry
Because it's all about her
So just drink some more whiskey
for me, my love...
the grammar has been mentioned already;
i think the first verse is really good, the way you juxtapose it with the 2nd main verse works really well. i don't thing the parenthesise are needed. they come together in the last main verse in a simple yet effective rant. my only negative comment would be "coz"; for me 'because' would work much better as it would be more in keeping with the language of the poem.
for me this is one of those what you see is what you get poems that feels original. i can feel the recognition in it that something is better than nothing. considering the simplicity of the poem it carries a good bit of emotion within it.
well done Tn (jmo)
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I'm really learning a lot in this site
thanks so so much for the help!
